The Drop
by lola-pops
Summary: That was the summer everyone stopped looking at me as Ben's little sister. Bonfires and beer. Sand and sun. We just kept climbing higher. None of us were ready for the drop.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello again, friends. Thank you to ShearEnvy (betafantastic) and my lovely prereaders Livie79, roglows and bashfulfan. Liv, you walked me through this one. I owe you a lot. **

**Will update weekly! **

* * *

I shouldn't have come here.

Maybe I thought they'd be in mourning. That they wouldn't still be able to laugh and drink and smoke without him.

Without us.

I watch my former friends build a bonfire on the east bank, laughing and joking and...it's all the same. None of them look over, not even a little curious about what goes on outside their world. That doesn't surprise me.

The river divides us completely, but it occurs to me that the division is only important to them. This side, the west bank, is oblivious to its inferiority. Or maybe they..._we_...the unfortunates that live without pools and maids and enviable zip codes just don't give a shit.

Either way it's strange to be on the side that doesn't exist.

I can't help but scan the beach for Edward again before I turn my gaze to the fire. He's not there and somehow that makes me feel better.

Alice drops down next to me in the sand. She slides close so our bare arms are pressed together. As always, she smells like lavender and weed.

Emmett's starting a bonfire as the sun starts to get low in the sky. Beers are passed and someone lights a joint.

"Drink this," Alice says, handing me a flask. I take a sip and she laughs at the face I make.

"That's awful."

She takes a sip herself, cringing even though she tries not to. I smile.

Emmett sits down on the other side of me, a colorful glass pipe in his hand. He hands it to Alice, who hits it expertly, talking through the thick smoke as she exhales. "I brought fireworks."

"That's how we got busted last summer, Al," Emmett says. She shrugs.

Last summer.

_Last summer._

I take the flask and tip it back.

"I'm gonna walk down the beach," I say, standing. Both of them look up at me.

"You want company?" Alice asks. I shake my head but smile before I hand the flask back to her.

I can hear her and Emmett talking quietly as I walk away. It doesn't bother me. If it hadn't happened to my brother, I would whisper about it too.

Down the beach the river bends and I can see the cliff Ben jumped from. The rock face is still blocked off with caution tape that has started to fade, the tied off ends in shreds from the ten months of wind and snow and sun. The water's low this year but even so, I sit back on the beach by the tree line.

I'm just far enough away that the conversations by the fire blend together. More people show up, carrying bottles and dropping their backpacks in the sand. Across the river the scene is almost identical but I know the booze is top shelf and they arrived in German cars. The only thing that's better over here is the weed.

Edward would be annoyed to know that.

I start to scan their crowd for him but stop myself, looking back toward the cliffs.

Ben would have loved today. He would have driven here too fast and been the first to do a keg stand. He was popular and a good student but he was also a daredevil. He had more speeding tickets than anyone I know.

He was the first to jump, of course. The river had risen almost a foot that week and the current trapped him under a shelf in the rock face. The thought of my tall, athletic brother unable to swim away still doesn't make sense to me. It probably never will.

A couple walks down the beach toward the cliffs on the east bank. I remember that there's a path there that leads to a clearing. Ben used to take Rosalie there and no one ever says it but I'm sure it's where people go to get enough privacy to take their clothes off. They're too far away to really see but then he reaches up to adjust his hat with both hands and the movement makes my skin go cold. I squint and can see the strong cut of his jaw; the red spots of color on his cheeks.

It's Edward.

It's Edward and he's with Angela.

I'm frozen at the sight of my former best friend. She looks prettier than last time I saw her...older. She walks with her head held high and her shoulders back. No wonder I didn't recognize her right away.

She stops to tie her shoe while he kicks at the sand. She says something to him over her shoulder; they laugh and my heart breaks in familiar, weak spots.

Standing, she holds her hand out and he takes it.

This heartbreak is new. Someone lights off a firework on our side and the noise makes Edward look up abruptly, his eyes focusing on mine as the firework lights the beach.

He drops her hand.

From this distance we can't talk. We can't yell or fight or explain and maybe that's for the best.

I already know I'm going to have to walk away.

My gaze goes back to the cliffs and when I look back at him he's still staring, his mouth open like he has something to say. Angela's got one hand pressed over her mouth and I think she's crying.

I don't have tears for this, though. Not for this.

I turn and walk back the way I came, because nothing on that side of the river is mine anymore.

Alice is waiting to loop her arm through mine. We sit and listen to the song someone's strumming on a guitar and I force myself to keep my eyes on the fire.

Emmett nudges me with his foot and nods toward the east bank. It's then that I realize it's too quiet on their side. The whole bonfire has stopped and they're staring at us, squinting across the distance. They're looking for me. Angela has her face in her hands and I don't see Edward.

"Do you know them?" Alice asks, quietly.

I look at the stricken faces of Jasper and Jacob. Tyler and Mike. Jessica and Lauren. I know everyone around that fire. I know what sports they play and the cars they drive. I know what their parents do and which of their fathers have mistresses. I know who's anorexic or bulimic and who is secretly addicted to Adderall or Oxy.

But I don't know them at all.

I shake my head slowly and take the flask out of her hand. "Not anymore."

* * *

My parents are gone by the time Alice and I wake up. It's the best part of my summer. I love them but they look at me like I'm on the edge of something all the time now. It makes my skin crawl.

The monstrous Victorian we moved into last fall is being renovated, so on different days the water will be off or I'll walk past a space where a wall used to be, but I don't mind the noise. I prefer it to the quiet after the contractors pack up for the day.

We moved because my dad's business hadn't been doing well for many years. The mortgage and all of the club memberships and tuition payments got to be too much and by the time they sold our house we were under water. Ben probably never knew, but our lives would have changed drastically that summer no matter what.

I'm a brat so I miss my pool and the knowledge that I would get a car for my 18th birthday, but in the end it's just stuff.

I would give it all up for one more minute with my brother.

Alice rubs her eyes and looks at my alarm clock. "I think I'm hungover."

"Water?" I ask.

"Coffee." She groans and rolls over but I get up and shuffle downstairs.

The coffee pot is covered in plaster dust but the coffee is still hot from when my parents made it this morning. Felix and Marcus are tearing out the cabinets today. Unlike the tedium of most of their work, the demolition aspect of home renovation looks like something I could get on board with. I say good morning and walk through the house, looking over their progress.

The doorbell rings and I peek out the living room window to see who it is.

Jasper is the last person I expect to see on my doorstep. He's got the old screen door propped open and he inspects the doorbell before ringing it again. I seriously consider ignoring him and pretending I'm not home.

"Someone's at the door, Bella!" Felix yells from the kitchen.

Jasper hears him through one of the many open windows and before I can move he catches my eye, raising an eyebrow when he sees me hiding behind a curtain.

I take a deep breath before I open the door. Jasper and I never really got along. I expect that hasn't changed.

His eyes travel over me and he nods in approval. "You look good. Slumming it suits you."

I start to close the door in his face but he slaps his palm on the door, stopping me.

"I'm kidding, Swan."

The nickname stops me. It's what he called me but it's also what he called Ben. From the look on his face he realizes that at the same time I do. Jasper and I may not have gotten along but he and my brother were thick as thieves.

I step outside onto the porch and close the door behind me.

Gesturing to the two old wicker chairs, I sit. He frowns slightly and I roll my eyes. Jasper is a perfectionist in the worst way. Everything from his hair to his clothes to his car is pristine. I once saw him lose his shit because he stepped in gum. We used to joke that he has his butler iron his underwear.

It might be true.

"What are you doing here, Jasper?"

He rubs a hand over his face. "I need to talk to you about Rose."

I look down. The loss of my friendship with his sister is my biggest regret, I think. "How is she?"

The way he hesitates makes my chest ache. "Okay." He bounces his knee and doesn't look at me.

Ben and Rosalie were the best couple I've ever seen in real life. There was something wholly organic about the two of them together.

Neither of us kept in touch. Seeing her reminded me too much of my loss. The last time I saw her felt too overwhelming, like the culmination of our pain may suck both of us under.

"Maybe not okay. I'm worried about her."

Hearing these words out of Jasper's mouth gives them gravity. I don't know if I've ever heard him show so much concern for another person.

"They cut her some slack last year but she's on academic probation. We're not sure if they're going to let her back in or not."

"Can't your dad just cut them a check?"

He's not offended by the suggestion. "If money could fix this, do you think I'd be here?"

I laugh because only Jasper can say shit like that with a straight face.

"I don't know how I can help her," I admit.

"She doesn't laugh anymore." He says it quietly and I can tell he's uncomfortable.

I think about the last year of my life and how little laughter there was for much of it. "I can't change what happened. I can't bring him back."

His blue eyes flash and his voice gets louder. "You just left. You didn't say goodbye. You didn't explain. Now you're living..._here_." He gestures behind us with disdain. "Ben...died and then you just disappear like you died, too. It's fucking bullshit."

I stare at him with wide eyes. It's not that I didn't know I would be missed, or obviously that Ben would, but somehow I saw this as the easier route for everyone. A clean break so they could forget. So I could forget.

Maybe what I saw on the beach was an act. Maybe they all feel his loss the same way I do.

"If you could just call her. Talk to her. _Anything_." His sincerity is unnerving, even if he won't look at me.

"Of course."

We sit in silence and I think of asking him about baseball or student council or if his parents are sleeping in the same room again but now that we've gone this deep I'm not sure we can return to the surface.

The front door swings open and Alice trips out the door wearing plaid boxers and a lacy bra. I'm sure Felix and Marcus loved that. She's got a cup of coffee in her hand and her sunglasses on. "Morning," she mumbles. "Did you know there are a bunch of dudes in your kitchen?"

I grin and she blinks, seeing Jasper. She lowers her sunglasses and looks at him suspiciously, giving him a wide berth as she moves to sit in the chair opposite us. I watch him take in her bare feet and long brown hair, twisted into a messy bun on top of her head. Her skin is tan and she has rings on every finger. They continue to eye each other and she takes a deep breath, sticking her chest out, but he won't bite. His eyes stay on hers.

"Who's the prep?" she asks.

"Who's the hippie?" he fires back.

She throws her head back and laughs."Is this kid for real? You're clearly on the wrong side of the river."

He sneers and I roll my eyes. "Alice, this is Jasper. He's richer than God and he is, in fact, on the wrong side of the river. Jasper, this is Alice. She's got the best weed you've ever smoked."

It's his turn to roll his eyes. She pulls a small baggie out of her bra and holds it out to him. He hesitates.

"I don't have cooties," she says flatly.

He grabs it and inspects it, glancing up at her in surprise. She smiles sarcastically and sips her coffee. He opens it and smells it, biting his lip as he closes the baggie.

"How much?"

"You can have it."

"What if I want more?"

"Oh, you _will_ want more. Bella knows where to find me." She grins and stands with her coffee, stretching her free arm overhead. I don't miss the way Jasper looks her over and neither does she. "You know, you'd be cute if-"

She reaches over to mess up his hair and he recoils. Her laugh is audible even after she's inside and out of sight.

"Nice crowd you're running with," he says, raising an eyebrow.

I shrug. "Like you're such a model citizen."

"Edward's gonna trip when he sees this, though," he says, inspecting the bud further.

At the mention of his name, I go still. Jasper glances at me and then stands, brushing at the back of his pants. When he feels sufficiently clean he turns to me.

"He's only with Angela because you're not there."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

He slips the weed in his pocket and pulls out his car key.

"No." He gets a few steps before he turns back around. "My dad said your dad went broke."

My knee-jerk reaction is defensive but pride isn't something I care about so much anymore. I nod and we stare at each other for a long moment.

"If you ever need anything…"

It's the nicest thing he's ever said to me. He walks away and speeds off in his shiny car. I sit and stare at the spot where he was parked. I'm not sad, though. For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful about the future.

I get up and am not surprised to find Alice waiting for me with a packed bowl and a thousand questions.

* * *

It's late when I call the number I still have memorized. She answers on the third ring and it takes me a second to respond.

"Rose, it's Bella."

I hear her breathing.

Then I hear a muted click as she hangs up the phone.

This may be harder than I thought.

* * *

**See you next week! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Many thanks and much love to ShearEnvy, livie79, roglows and bashfulfan. **

**If you are a person who likes to keep track of a story timeline, the date of Ben's death is July 26th. If I were a more organized person that date would have been in the first chapter...but I am not. **

**Chapters will flip between current time and flashbacks. Flashback chapters are in italics. **

**On with it!**

* * *

_June 2nd_

"_Miss Weber. Miss Swan." _

_There's no hiding the fact that he says my name with a great deal more venom than hers. She looks up at him with her big, brown doe eyes and if I didn't know firsthand how devious her mind can be, I would think she'd never had a bad intention in her life. Dean Banner nods at her indulgently._

"_Since it's the last day of school, I'll let you off with a warning." I take a deep breath and release it, already halfway out of my seat. He clears his throat and I drop back down. "But before you leave I want to give you a piece of advice."_

_I bounce my knee, hoping this lecture will be on the short side._

"_When you get to high school the faculty there won't be as understanding as I've been over the years."_

"_That was you being understanding?" I ask. Angela shakes once beside me and I can practically feel the laughter she's holding back. When I glance at her I can't see it, though. She's always been able to keep a straight face._

_Dean Banner stiffens, clearing his throat again before he continues. _

"_Your brother has certainly left some big shoes for you to fill, Bella. Perhaps that's part of the problem you've had here."_

_This time there's not even the hint of a smile on my face as I stare back at him. I've spent my entire life being compared to Ben. I could hate him, but in all honesty he's a pretty good older brother. What Dean Banner doesn't know is that school comes easily to Ben. He hardly studies. He spends most of his free time smoking pot with Edward._

"_As for you, Angela. If I were you I'd take a closer look at who you choose to spend your time with. I have a feeling the stunt you pulled at lunch today wasn't entirely your idea."_

_Angela threw the first handful of jello, but he's right...it wasn't entirely her idea. There's still a tiny fleck of creamed corn in his hair._

_I smile as sweetly as I can and wait a beat. "Is that all?"_

_He dismisses us tersely and Angela tells him to have a good summer. I stay silent._

_We both stop as his office door closes behind us._

"_Holy crap," she whispers, looking around. _

_The floor is covered in discarded math tests and english essays; lockers abandoned, their doors left open haphazardly. Neither of us speak, taking it in as we make our last pass through the school we've both been in since kindergarten. A few minutes ago there was giddy chaos here and now it will sit empty and quiet all summer. One of the janitors passes by pushing a large broom, making a clean path on the linoleum._

_A teeny, tiny part of me wonders how it feels to do what Dean Banner does, sitting in the same chair year after year while everyone around him moves on. I wonder if it makes him sad._

_That thought disappears the second I see the front doors. We start to run, shrieks echoing off of the painted brick as we push through the doors and into the sunshine._

* * *

_July 10th_

_I don't have much to show for the summer except a tan. Stretching my legs toward the sky, I point my toes and flex them, watching the muscles in my brown legs lengthen and contract. I've spent the summer by our pool and by July it's starting to get old._

_Maybe this week Ben will take me and Angela to the river where all the high school kids hang out. He and Rosalie go down there pretty much every night. _

"_Weren't you going to Angela's?" Rosalie asks, stretched out on her stomach next to me. I'm lucky Ben is dating someone I like. She's here all the time. _

"_Yeah, I'm supposed to." I love Angela but we're sick of each other. There's nothing to do and this summer there's been what seems like an unlimited amount of time to do it. _

"_We're going to watch a movie," she says, the corner of her mouth turning up as she flips the page of the magazine in front of her. I think I know what 'watching a movie' really means._

"_Ew." _

_She laughs. _

_Even though I'd rather just sit here, I stand up and pull on my shorts and sandals. _

_I walk past Ben, who is pulling himself up and out of the pool. He pushes his brown hair out of his eyes. "Where you going?"_

"_Ang's," I mumble. _

_He lunges for me and I'm not fast enough to escape his grasp. I scream, thrashing my arms and legs as he holds me over the pool, laughing as I yell at him to put me down. _

"_Idiot!" I shove him in the chest when my feet are safely on the ground. He hardly moves, despite the fact that I use all my strength. _

"_Are you sure you don't want to stay and hang out? Edward's coming over. We're gonna skate," he says. I haven't seen either of them with a skateboard since they all got their driver's licenses. I recognize excitement in Ben's eyes. Give him something steep to slide down and he's happy._

_Rosalie frowns. "I thought we were going to watch a movie."_

"_After, babe," he says, his voice low._

_I cover my ears with my hands and walk toward the back gate. "Ew. Ew. Ew," I repeat. _

_When I look back they're smiling at each other, and it's still gross but it's nice to be around people who are happy. _

_The gate clicks shut behind me, and I get a few steps before I stop._

_Everything stops. _

_My heart ceases beating and the wind dies and earth's rotation slows to a halt._

_I should stop staring, but at the sight of_ it_ my whole body stops working at the same time. _

_Maybe this happens to every girl the first time she sees a real, live penis. _

_I mean, I'm not a total prude. Angela's mom has a book in the bottom drawer of her dresser that was far more informative than the cartoon film strips we watched in sex ed. Even that book didn't prepare me for this, though. Edward's hand is holding..._it_...loosely, the other bracing him against the garage. He's peeing. He's peeing on the neighbor's garage and I'm watching. By the time I manage to look up he's staring back at me._

_Time restarts and I inhale slowly. _

_He doesn't turn away, he just finishes, shaking it before tucking it back in his shorts, his head bent forward. His tanned torso is shiny with sweat in the hot sunshine and he stomps on his skateboard so it flips up into his hand. _

_As he walks by me he pauses and I smell cut grass, chlorine and clean sweat. "You're welcome," he says under his breath. Goosebumps raise up on my body despite the heat._

"_You're gross," I lie._

_He just gives me his usual, sideways smile and walks into my back yard. I'm frozen until I hear him speak. _

"_Your sister just saw my dick."_

_I run all the way to Angela's, leaving Ben yelling my name behind me._

* * *

_Angela's taller than me and almost every boy in our class. She sometimes sits hunched over, her shoulders rounded and her head dipped down, but not today. Today I saw a penis, and Angela's back is straight as an arrow as she demands details, and then when that fails to satisfy, she demands an illustration._

_She's pacing in front of her bed where I've got a notebook in my lap, her arms clasped behind her back like a drill Sergeant. I wish she could see herself like this, her neck long and her shoulders square. She's really pretty - prettier than I am. Smarter, too. Sometimes I wonder why she's friends with me._

"_Do you want me to draw it...peeing?" _

"_Gross. No."_

_She gives me a stern look and I go back to drawing, thrusting the notebook toward her when I'm done. Her face goes bright red when she looks down at the page and she claps a hand over her mouth. We giggle so hard that we both end up laying on her bedroom floor clutching our stomachs. _

* * *

_Ben looks up and smiles when I walk in, late to dinner again. My parents both give me a stern look and I flop down in my chair, my plate already waiting. Family dinner is the one ritual our family always observes. _

"_Seared ahi with mango chutney," my mom says, sighing. "Luckily it will still be good cold."_

"_I don't care that it's the middle of summer. Dinner is at 6pm sharp and this is the third time you've been late this week," my dad says. He checks his watch and I feel a wave of guilt because I know he has to go back to the office. "And after the trouble you had at school this year you should be on your best behavior."_

_I start to protest because, seriously, Dean Banner was out to get me and it was just one little food fight... and Mrs. Cope totally marked her attendance sheet wrong that one day, but Ben interrupts._

"_Aw, lay off her," Ben says. "I'm going out with Rose tonight but maybe we can all go for ice cream after dinner tomorrow?"_

_My mom smiles warmly. "That's a great idea."_

"_I have to prepare for that meeting on Wednesday…" my dad says. He rubs his forehead and my mom touches his arm._

"_We can do it another night," she says gently._

_Ben has the same apprehensive look on his face that I do, but my mom changes the subject and by the time dinner is over I've forgotten about it. Ben leaves and so does my dad. My mom and I load the dishwasher. We used to have a maid that came every day but my mom said she feels like she doesn't have a purpose unless there's cleaning to do so we let her go. _

_I spend the evening reading on the screened in wrap-around porch. It's my favorite spot in the whole house. Before my parents go to bed, my mom comes out and crosses her arms._

"_Don't stay up too late. Your father has to get up early."_

"_He's not even back yet." I would have heard the garage door. _

_She pinches the bridge of her nose. "He's working really hard, Bella."_

"_I know." My dad always works a lot but this year has been different. He's gone more and when he _is_ home he seems distracted. "Goodnight, mom." _

_She kisses my forehead and flips off the lights in the living room on her way upstairs. I take a minute to enjoy the summer silence; crickets and ticking sprinkler systems and the whine of mosquitoes on the other side of the screens._

_In the quiet I can hear footsteps approaching, pausing at the front walkway and turning to walk toward the house. As they approach I can tell it's Ben and Rosalie. They sit on the front steps, speaking in voices low enough that I can't hear the words. I pick my book back up and tune them out. _

_I've started to doze off by the time Ben comes through the porch door. He sees me and stops. I sit up, stretching and rubbing my eyes and he smiles at me before he sits on the arm of the couch. I don't have to work hard to guess what he's going to say._

"_About earlier…"_

"_Oh my god." I cover my face with my hands. _

"_Edward's a prick." He laughs and I hide a smile. "He's just messing with you because he thinks you have a crush on him."_

_I blush slightly but try to hide it as I drop my hands._

"_I just want to make sure you're not, like, traumatized."_

"_Only by this conversation." _

_We both smile and I run my hands through my hair._

"_I just want to protect you. At least from the guys we know." _

_I smile halfheartedly and he dips his head to catch my eye._

"_You're a knockout, kid. I'm prepared to fight them off." He palms his fist menacingly but his good humor shines through._

_Despite myself, I grin._

"_I'm going to bed." He stops with his hand on the doorknob. "You want to come to the river tomorrow?"_

"_Seriously?" I ask, sitting upright and forgetting my embarrassment._

"_Yeah. Ang can come too, if she wants."_

"_What about mom?" She hates us going there._

"_I'll take care of it."_

_He says good night and goes inside. Dropping back on the couch, I smile._

_It doesn't take long for my mind to wander back to the alley. I hear Edward say "dick" in my head and I'm blushing again, my face hot. I squeeze my eyes shut and picture the whole thing over again. The way he said it like it was no big deal, like he talks about it all the time, makes my stomach feel weird. A weird feeling down low like I get on a roller coaster or driving fast on a hilly road. I squeeze my thighs together and it aches a little like when I hit my funny bone._

_I close my eyes and imagine his lips on my neck, my chest...the weight of his body on mine, between my thighs. _

_I think about the river tomorrow and in my mind I pick out what bikini I'm going to wear and what cut-off shorts. I'm going to knot my hair on top of my head and wear the Gucci sunglasses my parents bought me for graduation._

_It's fleeting, but for just a second I feel like this summer is the best I'll ever have._

* * *

**Thank you for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Love to ShearEnvy, bashfulfan, roglows and livie79. And to you for reading.**

* * *

The ringing phone wakes me up. I don't have to check the clock to know it's early. Too early.

"Hello?" I keep my voice low.

"It's Jasper."

I sigh, sitting up in bed. Even in the early dawn light I can tell today is going to be stormy. It's hot in here already. Add central air to the list of things I miss.

I rub my eyes, annoyed that he's following up on our conversation already.

"Look, I tried to call Rose and she hung up. I'm taking that as a sign that she doesn't want to talk to me."

"That's not why I'm calling."

Dropping back on my bed, I stare at the ceiling. "Then what do you want?" Of all my old friends, the fact that Jasper's the one I keep hearing from is bizarre.

When he speaks again he slurs. He didn't wake up early. He's still up. I roll my eyes. "I need to get ahold of that little friend of yours." There's another voice in the background. Someone laughs.

"Alice?"

"Yeah, Alice," he says, and it sounds like he's smiling.

"Jasper, the sun isn't even up yet."

"C'mon. Hook it up." Jasper only talks like that when he's drunk. "Edward and I will meet you at that park by the Dairy Queen...by the waterfalls. One hour."

Edward is with him.

I turn to the mirror that's propped up against my wall and take in my unbrushed hair and tanned skin. I prop the phone between my shoulder and ear and start to gather my hair so I can put it up in the hair tie around my wrist.

"I don't know…" I pretend I'm thinking it over but I'm already out of bed, kicking clothes around until I find my favorite cut-offs; the ones that fit like they were made just for me.

"Come on, Swan," he says, like I owe him one.

"One hour."

I hang up the phone and dial Alice's number.

* * *

I'm sitting on the porch watching the rain when Alice pulls up. I walk to her mom's sedan holding my raincoat over my head. It's already too hot to wear it.

"You're lucky I love you," Alice says as I climb in, the sky casting a greenish light over the whole neighborhood.

She's sleep-rumpled in her shorts and tank top, pillow marks on her right cheek. I'm dressed similarly, but I'm not even a little bit tired. I'm anxious. She looks me over.

"You okay?"

"Edward's with him," I say.

She raises her eyebrows in understanding. "Oh."

Before she puts the car in drive she turns to me. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

I nod, trying to calm my racing heart and shaky hands. Alice stays quiet but I can feel her glance at me every few blocks.

When we get there I see Jasper's town car running. His driver has a newspaper unfolded over the steering wheel. Alice looks at me.

"I know you used to be rich or whatever but this is on a whole other level."

I know what she means.

"'Used to be' is the key phrase there."

It's not like I've lied to her, exactly. It's just rare that I discuss my old friends, my old school or my old life. When I do, I have a tendency to skim over certain details like prominent last names, school crests and cars that cost more than some people's houses.

It's not like I'm destitute, though. There are many people who have a lot less than I do, even now. Alice is one of them.

She shrugs. I don't think she would care if I lived in a cardboard box or a mansion. It's one of the many reasons I love her.

We get out of the car and start walking toward the spot that Jasper specified. The sound of the rushing water swells as we round the corner and the bridge that sits right at the apex of the waterfalls comes into view.

Edward's walking across the ledge with his arms held out for balance as the water rushes beneath him. There's a small bottle of liquor in one hand and he stops to take a drink, almost choking on it when he sees me and Alice. He hesitates and my heart is in my throat until he jumps off the ledge, stumbling slightly when his feet hit the ground.

"_This_ is who we're meeting?" Edward asks. Jasper stands up from where he was sitting on the other side of the bridge, out of sight.

I look behind them, at the water dropping a hundred feet into the creek below.

"Fuck," Edward says, glaring at Jasper. He screws the top on the bottle and tosses it at him, a little harder than necessary. Jasper catches it against his chest with both hands, grinning.

"You didn't tell him?" I ask Jasper.

He shrugs.

"You're an asshole," I say.

"Whatever, this isn't a social call," Jasper says. "I don't socialize on the west bank. This is strictly business."

All four of us are still, letting that resonate. Edward walks a few feet away, his hands clasped behind his neck and his body tense like he's trying to keep himself from hitting Jasper. That would make two of us.

Alice glances at me. "Let's just get this over with."

This isn't how I imagined this playing out at all.

We walk toward the two of them as Jasper looks both of us up and down. I'm not sure I've ever hated him as much as I do right now.

Then he winks at me and I get the uneasy feeling that this is somehow part of his master plan.

Edward pulls his hat down so I can't see his face, his hands shoved in his pockets.

"How much do you want?" Alice asks.

"How much can you get?" Jasper responds.

Alice just stares at him.

"God. Fine. You two are no fucking fun. I want an ounce."

"You got me out of bed for an ounce?"

She pulls a plastic bag out of her backpack and tells him the price.

He frowns. "Are you kidding me? My guy usually-"

"Your _guy_, I guarantee, is selling you shit," she says. Edward laughs and I find myself smiling, too.

"I want another sample," Jasper says, raising his chin.

Alice pulls a joint out from behind her ear and holds it out. Jasper takes it and lights it, and for the first time Edward seems to relax a little. Jasper passes to him and I watch him hit it, smoke trailing over his face, his eyes squinting against it. He nods as he passes it to Alice.

"I'd pay double for that shit," Edward says. She raises an eyebrow at Jasper.

I hit it and watch Edward. He's staring at me like he was the other night.

The joint makes another round and as I'm passing it Edward takes a step closer to me. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

I glance at Alice before I nod.

One look at Jasper confirms my suspicion that this was part of his plan. Even though he's a devious prick I wonder if sometimes when no one's looking, he means well.

Probably not.

We walk across the bridge. Once we're out of earshot we stand facing the falls. It's easier like this, if we aren't looking at each other.

"Sorry," he says, shaking his head. "I'm fucked up right now."

I wish I had a bottle of water.

"It's okay. I'm super high," I say. Weed makes my thoughts into words without my permission.

He laughs once. "How you been?" he asks.

I smile. Small talk. "Okay. You?"

There's a long pause. "I'm alright."

Neither of us say anything for a long time and I remember that we didn't really know each other like this. We were usually with Ben, with the exception of the days before he died; days I try not to think about.

"Good talk," I say, awkwardly.

When I glance at him he's staring straight ahead.

"I mean, we were friends once, right? We should be able to...talk." I say it as much to myself as to him.

"Were we?" he asks, flatly.

I swallow hard, wounded by his bluntness.

"Why are you just showing up everywhere all of a sudden?" he asks, his tone sharp.

My skin goes cold despite the heat.

"You can't just act like nothing happened," he says.

I face him, but he doesn't turn. I'm not sure if he means Ben or with us or because we moved, but honestly it doesn't matter.

"I'm not pretending nothing happened."

Even though I'm the one in the wrong here, I didn't expect him to be this angry.

"Look, Edward, I'm sorry. I probably should have called, or-"

His laugh cuts me off. It's not really a laugh, though. His expression is dark.

"I'm sorry," I say again, quieter. He won't look at me and now I want him to. I need him to. I step in front of him.

He pulls his hat down and even though I shouldn't, I reach up and grab the brim. He hesitates, but after a second he ducks his head so I can lift it off of his head. That tiny concession, the reminder of a day we had together before things fell apart, makes tears swell hot behind my eyes. Until this moment I wasn't sure he remembered it.

For the first time I see his face clearly in the early morning light. His eyes are red and I can tell that he's been drinking but he looks good. So good and so sad.

We stand there for too long.

"Angela?" I ask, and I can tell it's the one word he doesn't want to hear me say.

He looks down.

"I hope you two are happy," I mumble.

"No, you don't," Jasper says from behind Edward. His gaze bounces between the two of us as he and Alice walk up together, a grin on his face.

"Shut up, Jas," Edward says. He doesn't say it with anger, though. He just sounds tired. I hand him his hat and Jasper watches that closely. Alice nods toward the cars and I fall into step with her as she starts to walk.

I can hear the boys follow us. She gets in the driver's side and shuts the door, her engine clanking slightly as she starts the old car. Jasper and Edward are getting in the back of the town car but Edward stops.

"Maybe I'll see you around."

Despite what he said earlier, he sounds almost hopeful.

They pull out first. The a/c in Alice's car is broken and all I want is for her to start driving so we can get a breeze. I roll down my window.

"You didn't tell me he was so hot."

I try to keep my smile contained. "Whatever."

"Guys like that…" she shakes her head, "...trouble."

I'm inclined to agree.

* * *

He calls late but I'm up, sitting in the kitchen eating cereal. I grab the phone off the wall and answer through a mouth full of Cheerios.

"Hey," he says. He doesn't announce himself and I don't have to ask who it is. "Jas gave me your number…"

I hear my dad clomping down the creaky stairs from their bedroom. He's in his underwear and glasses and nothing else. So embarrassing. "Who the hell is calling so late, Bella? Tell your friends some of us have jobs we have to get up for in the morning."

I cover the mouthpiece too late for Edward to miss it all. My face feels hot.

"It's Edward," I say.

He pauses. "Cullen?"

"Yeah."

We stare at each other for a long beat and he nods. "Okay. Go to bed when you're done."

I don't miss the slump of his shoulders as he turns to go back upstairs. I know he feels guilty that we had to move so soon after the accident. Any reminder of our former life is still painful for both of my parents.

"Hi," I say into the receiver. "It was my dad."

"I didn't realize what time it was." I imagine him in his big room in his big house; he could practically throw a party on one end of the mansion and no one would notice.

"It's okay."

"So...I told Angela I saw you. She wants to hang out."

I stare at the cereal in my bowl. It's starting to get soggy.

"Really?"

"That's what she said." The way he says it makes me think he doesn't believe it. "We're all going down to the river tomorrow…"

I hear a female voice whisper something in the background. The scene on the other end of the phone flashes through my mind; Edward sitting on the edge of his bed with Angela pressed up against him, the two of them sharing the earpiece.

"Can I bring Alice?" I'm proud that the words come out strong.

"Yeah. Of course."

"Okay. See you then, I guess."

Neither of us know what to say after that. I keep my mouth closed against all the questions I have.

If I was a more spiteful person I would ask him if he remembers kissing me. I would ask if he remembers how my skin felt under his, just so she would hear it.

There's no joy in that, though.

I sigh.

"What?" he asks.

My face flushes. "Nothing." I drop the spoon in my hand and rub my eyes. "Sorry. I'm tired."

"Okay. Maybe we'll see you tomorrow."

_We._

_Fuck._

I have terrible, twisted dreams all night. I need to learn to recognize a bad omen when I see one.

* * *

Emmett comes with me and Alice. Everyone stares as we walk up... that part I expected.

What I didn't expect was for Mike Newton to walk up and give me a hug. "Hey, Bella." It's genuine and it's almost worse than being shunned like an outcast, because it reminds me that these people are human. It's easier to demonize them.

Tyler walks up and gives me a hug as well. Then Jacob, who whispers "we're all really sorry about Ben." I have to clench my teeth to hold back tears. Then it's a string of people, meaningful shoulder squeezes and condolences. It takes me a second to realize that this feels like a funeral.

I start to unconsciously back away from all of them when I spot Angela from across the fire.

She gets up and hugs me, but it lacks the warmth that the previous greetings had. Stepping back, she asks me polite questions about my parents, but I get the feeling her smile is a facade.

"What's your new school like?" she asks.

"It's okay. I don't miss the uniforms and the teachers are…" I fade off as she waves and smiles at someone behind us. Her expression is aloof when she looks back at me.

"That's great." She could not sound less sincere. My throat feels tight.

The silence starts to get awkward.

Edward makes his way over and it's obvious that he's been drinking heavily. Angela puts her arm through his but he hardly seems to notice.

"Edward, this is Emmett." He greets Emmett by handing him a bottle of dark rum. Emmett grins.

Lauren and Jessica walk up and we hug, even though I've never particularly liked either of them.

"Cute tank top," Lauren says, looking me over in a way that I recognize. She and Jessica are taking mental notes so they can gossip about me later. Angela does it, too, and I wonder when exactly she crossed over to the dark side.

"What else have you been up to?" I ask Angela, hoping she'll defrost and I can catch a glimpse of my old friend.

"I'm head cheerleader next year," she says, shrugging and smiling, but carefully watching my reaction.

"It's awesome," Lauren says.

"So awesome," Jessica says.

I stop. "I thought Rosalie was promised that spot." It was always understood that Rose would be head cheerleader her senior year.

"Yeah. She kind of...had some trouble this year." She looks at me pointedly and shrugs. "And since I was her second I was chosen, even though I'll only be a junior. It's the first time a junior has been head cheerleader."

"Totally amazing," Lauren says.

"Totally," Jessica says.

Somehow by dismissing Rose she's dismissing Ben...dismissing me. The Angela I remember wouldn't do that.

Jasper's watching us from by the bonfire, his chair close enough that he can probably hear our conversation. He's openly scowling at Angela, and while I'm not surprised that he still hates her, I start to understand why he's been pushing me and Edward together.

"I'm not surprised she had a tough year," I say.

Angela squares her jaw and doesn't meet my eyes. "Yeah, well, I guess we're all just trying to get over the past and move on."

Edward drops her arm, pulling his hat down. He takes a long pull off the bottle before handing it back to Emmett, who is frowning at Angela. He and Alice were there through some of the worst months of my life. To him I'm sure her rudeness is unexpected. He doesn't exactly know how I left things here, though. I'm not blameless.

I catch Angela staring at me. We meet eyes and for a second I catch a glimpse of anger and hurt and so much pain that it makes my eyes water. She whispers something to Edward before abruptly turning and walking away.

There's no doubt in my mind that we owe each other an apology. Many apologies. My feet won't move, though.

Jessica and Lauren offer limp goodbyes and follow her.

I feel Alice wind her arm through mine. Jasper chooses that moment to walk up. He tries to put his arm around Alice's shoulders and she shrugs it off.

"Dude," she says. "I told you no touching." There's just the hint of a smile on her face, though.

Her brush-off doesn't seem to faze him. It does faze Emmett, though.

"Who's this?" he asks, his voice gruffer than normal.

Jasper's gaze pans from his feet all the way up Emmett's 6'4" frame. He arrives at his face. "Who invited Andre the Giant?"

Emmett bristles and I put a hand up. "He's cool. I mean...not_ cool_. But there's no need to get all manly about it."

Jasper laughs. Emmett does not, keeping his eyes on Jasper as he hands the bottle back to Edward, who drops it in the sand. Jasper grabs his arm to steady him and picks up the bottle. "Jesus, Edward. Get it together," he says under his breath.

"We should go," I say, starting to feel the weight of being here, on this beach, with these people. It feels wrong. Very wrong. I catch a glimpse of Angela down the beach, her back to us.

"Don't go because of her," Jasper says, nodding toward Angela. He says something under his breath that makes Edward shove him away with one hand.

"Fuck you, Jas," Edward says.

Jasper puts his hands up. "Sorry. Whatever."

Jasper gives me a long look before he walks away, dropping back into his chair. A girl behind him hands him his drink and I almost laugh, but it's too sad. I have to get out of here. It's like a parallel universe. I know I've changed but despite appearances the dynamics on this side of the river have completely shifted.

Emmett and Alice start walking but I hang back, standing in front of Edward.

"She didn't mean it."

I hate that he's explaining for Angela, but I suppose that's what you do when you're in a relationship.

"I'm not so sure that's true."

Something flashes across his face and he takes a sip of the rum, sloshing some into the sand.

"Can you blame her?"

I'm sure there's something I should say here, but he's too drunk and even though they're pretending not to, everyone around the fire is watching us. I turn, moving toward Alice and Emmett.

"Yeah, just walk away. You're fucking _great_ at that."

I hold it together until I get home - into my room and into my bed.

Then I cry for everything I've lost, both by fate and by choice.

* * *

**Thank you for reading! See you next week. xo**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you to ShearEnvy, roglows, bashfulfan and livie79. **

**Thanks to you for reading. **

* * *

_I should know not to have such high expectations._

_If we hadn't spent years building up what happens here, I'm sure I wouldn't be disappointed. In my head the music was different. No one had too many Kool-aid and vodkas and got sick at the edge of the woods. In my head it was hotter and sunnier and I was laughing because everyone here was hilarious and awesome._

_Turns out drunk upperclassmen aren't all that hilarious and awesome. They congregate in groups, standing by the bonfire pit. Some have laid out towels on the beach. No one is saying anything very interesting. Ben disappears a few minutes after we get there._

_When Rose shows up she sits with me and Angela. They talk about cheerleading and I zone out. Angela has been cheering since the sixth grade and she's going straight to the Varsity squad this fall._

"_When I'm head cheerleader we can totally work on routines together," Rose says. Angela smiles at her._

_I know Ben's back in the vicinity when I hear a group of senior jocks yelling his name. After a few minutes he drops down next to Rose in the sand and she plants her full lips on his. I look away but Angela stares until I elbow her. After they disentangle Ben hands me a water bottle with red liquid in it. _

"_Don't tell mom," he says, smiling. Angela and I each take a few sips and a few minutes later my head feels light. _

_Ben gets up and Rose protests, trying to pull him back down in the sand. "But, babe, Edward got mushrooms…" he says, getting up and walking backwards away from us. _

"_No," Rose says. "No, Ben. Seriously. I can't babysit you idiots today. I have to go to a dinner thing with my parents tonight."_

_He shrugs, holding his hands up like he has no choice. She shakes her head and turns to me, raising her sunglasses so I can see her blue eyes. "When I leave, don't let him drive. Take his keys. And Edward's keys, but that will be harder than you think. Also, don't let them anywhere near the bonfire once they're tripping." My eyes widen. "And Edward gets handsy on mushrooms so double-knot your bikini top."_

_I glance at Angela. She raises her eyebrows at me._

"_Seriously?" I ask Rose._

_She lowers her sunglasses and lays back on her towel. "Serious as a heart attack."_

"_How will we know when they're tripping?"_

_She smiles. "Oh, you'll know."_

* * *

"_Don't talk. Stay in the backyard and out of the pool. Angela, you keep them from doing anything stupid while I try to figure out what to tell my parents." _

_We're pulled up in my driveway in Ben's car. I drove even though I don't technically have my license yet. It seemed like a better idea than giving the keys to one of the licensed but hallucinating drivers in the backseat._

_Edward leans forward. He refused to put his seatbelt on and Angela spent half of the drive trying to keep him from opening the door while the car was moving."You always smell like coconuts. I like it." He speaks into my ear and I take a deep breath._

_I think I've figured out how to tell when the mushrooms have kicked in._

_Ben laughs, but he's got his hood pulled over his eyes and seems to have temporarily left the planet. Edward eyes me in the rearview mirror._

_My heart is in my throat as I open the back gate for them. They file in silently and I start to think we might get away with this when Edward jumps, fully clothed, into the pool._

_Angela turns to me."My hair," she says, touching the ends that she probably spent an hour flat-ironing this morning. I sigh, pulling off my shorts and hoodie, plugging my nose and following him into the deep end. He's floating a few feet under water and he doesn't resist when I wrap an arm around his chest and kick my legs to get us back to the surface. _

_I pull him to the shallow end. It's not until we're all the way out of the pool that I realize my bikini top is around my waist. Angela gasps and Edward grins. Ben is face down on a pool chair. _

* * *

_The stars aligned or something and there's a note in the kitchen letting us know that my parents went out for the night. Edward locks himself in the bathroom and I spend half an hour trying to get him to open the door. When he finally does he's shirtless and refuses to get dressed. I give up._

_A few hours later everything starts to mellow out. The conversation starts to become more linear. They stop laughing uncontrollably. Ben talks like he got shot with truth serum, though._

"_She's the best fucking girl. We fucking fit together, you know? Like our bodies were _made_ to fit together." _

_I cringe. Gross._

_Ben is laying with his head in Angela's lap. I catch her eye and she shrugs, rolling her eyes. _

"_You're perfect," Edward says to my left foot. He traces one finger around my ankle bone. I don't take it too personally. A few hours ago he was having a conversation with the wall of ivy next to the pool house. _

_He's laying backwards on the lounge chair next to me. _

"_Rose wants me to go to law school but fuck that. I'm going to be something great. Something fucking big, man. Something better than a lawyer."_

"_Yeah, man." Edward stares up at the sky._

"_She doesn't believe in me," Ben says. _

"_I believe in you," Angela says. _

_I laugh harder than I should and Angela's cheeks turn red._

_Edward sits up on his elbows. He's wearing one of Ben's hoodies and no t-shirt. The muscles in his chest flex as he angles himself toward me._

"_Hi," he says. I smile. _

"_I should call her. I should call her and tell her that I'm a fucking man and I will do what I want," Ben says. "I'm a fucking _man_."_

_A car pulls into the driveway and I scan the area for anything that will get us grounded. It's not my parents, though. It's Rose and Jasper. She's wearing a floor-length gown and earrings that sparkle in the dim light. Her feet are bare and she holds the bottom of her dress off the ground with one hand. Jasper's in a tux, the bow tie undone and loose around his neck. _

"_Isn't this cozy," Jasper says. Angela stiffens. Ben still has his head in her lap._

"_Babe," Ben says, reaching up toward Rose. He seems to have forgotten his recent monologue already. Rose smiles at him, taking his hand and helping him to his feet. _

_She kisses him and looks down at Angela, who looks slightly green. "I'll take it from here." It's not unkind but there's a cool edge to her words. She gives me a slight smile before she leads Ben into the house. _

_Jasper eyes Angela and sits on the edge of my chair, pulling a joint out of his pocket and lighting it. He passes it to Edward, who gets it going before he hands it to me._

_I take it between my fingers and glance at my best friend. Her eyes are wide. Neither of us have smoked before. I hit it, coughing so hard afterward that I have to lay back in my chair. She takes it and coughs about as hard as I did._

_Jasper and Edward laugh at us. _

_Jasper leaves at some point. It may be a minute later, or an hour. I'm not sure. I turn my head and look at Edward._

"_It was my first time," I say. He turns his head._

"_For real?" He seems a little bit more like himself than he did before. "Shit. I would have been more gentle."_

_Angela gets the giggles and I follow. It's not until we see the headlights in the driveway that we stop. Edward tosses the joint and we make our way quickly into the house, turning off lights as we go. In the upstairs hallway he remembers that Rose is in Ben's room. I push him toward the guest room and shut my bedroom door behind Angela and I with a muted click. _

_She grins at me and we collapse onto my bed, smiling. I hear my parents' door shut after a few minutes._

"_I'm so high," she says._

"_Do you like it?"_

_She shrugs. "I think so. I could eat everything."_

_I sit up. "Ice cream."_

"_Get me potato chips." She doesn't move. "And cookies," she adds, as I walk out of the room._

_I'm trying to close the door silently behind me when I feel a hand on my lower back. I jump a mile, right into Edward's chest. He smiles and after I start to breathe normally, he follows me downstairs to the kitchen. _

"_I think I have the munchies," I tell him, opening the pantry door._

_He grins and follows me in. Half an hour later we're sitting on the floor surrounded by crumbs and I'm laughing so hard that I'm doubled over and can't breathe._

"_To be fair, I think every guy wishes he could suck his own dick."_

_I throw a handful of popcorn at him. "That is such a crass story."_

"_Oh, come on. I've never seen you laugh that hard."_

"_It's the weed," I say. But I'm lying and I can't stop smiling._

_I look out at the kitchen from where we're sitting on the floor. "Oh crap. I totally forgot about Angela."_

_That inspires another round of giggles and when I recover he's watching me, the look on his face different than before. I stare back._

"_What?" I lean my head back against the shelf behind us and we stare at each other. _

"_You're really pretty."_

"_Shut up." _

_He does and then I wish he hadn't._

_We should clean up the mess in the pantry, but we don't. When we get to the upstairs hallway it's hushed and quiet, but from behind a closed door I hear Rosalie moan. I cringe and Edward smiles his half-smile._

_Unconsciously, he adjusts himself in his pants and I watch the movement more closely than I should. _

"_Take a picture…" he starts, in a whisper._

"_Nothing I haven't seen before," I interrupt. _

_He smiles and tips his chin up, looking down at me from half-closed eyes. "Goodnight, Bella."_

_Angela is totally passed out on my bed so I slide in beside her, pulling the comforter over both of us. I have a smile on my face as I drift off. _

* * *

_July 22nd_

_I help Angela fold her tank tops and shorts. We've been getting on each other's nerves but every summer I dread the two weeks she's at camp. _

"_How many swimsuits do you really need?"_

_She tosses a few more into the suitcase, smiling. I hold one up. I've never seen her wear it. The bottom is so small it's almost indecent._

"_I'm starting to think church camp may not be so bad after all."_

_She laughs. "Last year three girls in my bunk lost their virginity, and those are just the ones I know about."_

_I think about that, picking at a seam on her bedspread. _

"_Do you think you will this summer?"_

_Her movements slow momentarily as she focuses on folding the t-shirt in her hands. "Maybe. I don't know."Angela has kissed three guys and let one touch her boobs. I've gone one step further, but it hardly counts. I figured out pretty quickly that Tyler had no idea what he was doing when he got his hand up my skirt. It was under a strategically placed coat during the bus ride on a field trip and afterward he told everyone. I would undo it if I could. _

"_What about you?" she asks. _

_I laugh. "Yeah, right."_

_She shrugs. "If you could do it with anyone, who would you do it with?"_

_When I don't answer she rolls her eyes. She knows who. "Yeah, but who would you do it with in real life? It has to be realistic."_

_I look down. "No prospects," I say. "I'll probably die a virgin."_

"_Shut up. You will not." _

_I roll my eyes and after a few minutes she tosses a pair of shorts at my face._

"_Why are you pouting?" she asks._

_I answer honestly. "Is it really that ridiculous that Edward could like me?"_

_Picking up the pair of shorts, I fold them and set them in her suitcase._

"_What, are you planning to, like, seduce him or something?" She laughs and turns around to start packing her makeup._

_I bristle and change the subject, cruelly and deliberately. "You know, you seemed pretty cozy with my brother that night."_

_Her cheeks turn bright red and she avoids my gaze. "They were tripping," she says._

"_Yeah, but you weren't." It's mean and I know it, but she hurt my feelings and I feel like returning the favor._

_She turns to face me. _

"_It doesn't matter how I feel, because he could not be more taken. He and Rose are like...high school royalty. They're Ken and Barbie. Nothing could come between them." She struggles with a zipper and tugs at it, her brow furrowing angrily until it gives way. There's something in her tone that makes me really study her expression. _

_I stare at her. "What's going on?"_

_She looks up with tears in her eyes and opens her mouth a few times before speaking._

"_We...kissed. Me and Ben."_

_I can actually feel the blood drain out of my face. "What?"_

"_I told him not to but he's going to tell Rosalie. I just know it. He probably already did. So I guess it's a good time for me to leave town." She wipes away the tears on her cheeks and resumes packing. I just stare at her. "It's not like I planned it, Bella. It didn't mean anything."_

_Her face crumples and I feel bad, but I'm kind of relieved that it's not serious. _

"_When?"_

_She doesn't answer right away. "Thursday night."_

_That night the three of us watched movies until late. I sat on the floor, while both of them sat on the couch behind me. When I woke up the next morning Angela was already up and in the shower._

_I frown. Her confession makes me wonder what else has been going on that I've missed. _

_I go along for the ride when Angela's mom drives her to the church to get on the bus with all of the other kids going to camp. She hugs me and I hug her back, but I'm really uncomfortable._

"_I'll try to call you from the payphone there. Just answer if a weird number comes up on the caller ID."_

"_Have fun," I say, but I don't say I'll miss her and unlike in years past, neither of us cry._

_Her mom and I wave as the bus pulls away. I have the image of her melancholy face burned in my brain for the rest of the day._

* * *

_July 24th_

_It takes about two days for everything to completely blow up between Ben and Rose. My house is slamming doors and an incessantly ringing phone. I feel lost without Angela and relieved that she isn't here, all at the same time. _

_I spend a lot of time at the river._

_I turn my face up to the sun, taking a deep breath and enjoying the warmth on my bare skin. Edward startles me, dropping down in the sand. He's shirtless and I can feel his body heat radiating, a beer in each hand even though it's not even lunchtime yet. He offers me one and I hesitate, but take it out of his hands. Sunscreen and condensation make it slippery, so he takes it back and opens it for me, one side of his mouth turned up. He props his elbows up on his knees and our bare feet touch. I act like I don't notice._

"_What's up?" he asks, probably noting that I'm sitting alone. "Is your sidekick in hiding?"_

"_Church camp," I say. _

_He makes a face, but I'm not sure if it's because of church camp or because of the civil war we're all enduring now that Rose knows Ben kissed another girl. "That seems ironic," he says._

_We both stare out at the river. It's high this year. There are signs on the bank warning that the current is strong. _

"_Hey, so about the other night..." he starts. _

_I eye him from behind my sunglasses._

"_In your pool…"_

_My stomach flips and I try to act cool but I'm not. I'm so not. "No."_

_He laughs. "No?"_

"_No, you don't have to apologize."_

"_Who said I was sorry?"_

_That makes me laugh. "I bet you told Ben you were."_

_That shuts him up for a second, but he leans in and whispers and the entire right side of my body tingles as his breath hits the spot just below my ear. "Yeah, but I lied."_

_It takes me a full minute to regain composure, but I do. "Are you flirting with me?"_

"_Is it bad if I am?" The question is serious, and for a second I can't breathe._

"_No. It's not bad," I say, quietly. We sit for a second and then I smile. "Every guy who's ever seen me topless flirts with me. They're that good." I square my shoulders and stick my chest out._

"_Not fair. I was so fucked up I can't really remember anything from that night."_

"_That would be a way better anti-drug campaign than the egg frying thing. Don't do drugs...you might forget the boobs you saw."_

_He sets his beer down in the sand. "That's it. I'm going straight edge."_

_We laugh. _

_I look around the beach for my brother. "Where are Ben and Rose?"_

_He picks his beer back up. "The clearing."_

_It's a favorite spot for making out and from what I've heard, more. I heard him pleading with her on the phone last night, though, so I have a feeling today all they're going to be doing is fighting. I tried to talk to him about it but he went in his room and shut the door. Today on the way here he played the music so loud that we couldn't hear each other speak even if we wanted to. His eyes were tired behind his sunglasses and he was uncharacteristically morose._

_I'm not sure I've ever seen him this broken up about anything. Ben isn't the kind of person that lets things get to him. He's cool. He's imperturbable. Usually._

"_How bad is it?" I ask._

_He takes a deep breath. _

"_If I were Angela, I would probably stay at camp indefinitely."_

"_It was just a kiss," I say. "Is it that big of a deal?" _

_He turns to me. "Is that what she told you?"_

_I can't answer. I just stare at him with my mouth open like an idiot._

"_What do you mean? What did they do?" I ask._

_He just raises his eyebrows and I go back to staring at the river, not even trying to hide my shock._

"_They had sex?"_

"_Yeah," Edward says, slowly. "Did she seriously not tell you?" _

_I shake my head. My best friend lost her virginity and didn't tell me. My best friend lost her virginity to my_ brother,_ who cheated on his long-time girlfriend with her. _

"_Have you ever cheated on someone?" I ask. _

"_No." I can tell he's being sincere._

_I'm about to respond when someone yells behind us. Rose is storming up the path toward the cars and Ben is just standing there, looking more pathetic than I've ever seen him. He doesn't see Jasper until it's too late. His fist connects with Ben's chin and Edward is up and across the beach faster than I can even get to my feet. _

_The fight ends before it really starts. Ben doesn't retaliate. He just takes two hits to the face and leaves before I can get him ice._

_I try to give Jasper the cup of ice from the cooler for his hand but he just glares at me. A lock of hair hangs down on his forehead and somehow that's more disturbing than watching him punch my brother. Jasper is always reserved, and even when he's angry it comes out in a controlled manner. He seems kind of unhinged right now. He steps toward me, speaking in a low voice that gives me chills. _

"_If you see your piece of shit brother tell him next time I see him he's fucking dead."_

_Edward steps in between us, a hand on Jasper's chest. "Back off, Jas. She didn't do anything."_

_Jasper backs away with his hands up, still glaring._

"_Let's go," Edward says, pulling me away from Jasper and shooting him a warning look._

_He waits for me while I fold my towel, grabbing my backpack before I can and putting it over his shoulder. We walk to his car silently and I look at the empty spot where Ben was parked. I'm not sure what's right. I'm not sure if I should follow him home or if I should leave him alone. Edward makes the decision for me._

"_Okay if I make a stop?" he asks. I nod. "We can go back to the river, but Jasper needs to cool off first."_

_We don't talk. I watch him drive and try to make sense out of the last hour of my life. Jasper's harsh words echo in my head. Angela's half-truths stick in my throat. I feel so naive._

"_You good?" he asks, frowning. We're sitting in his driveway, which wraps around a fountain as big as a swimming pool. _

_I stare out the windshield. "If Ben and Rose aren't okay...then it feels like nothing is okay."_

_It feels like I'm untethered, like everything got turned on its head and backwards. It all seems complicated and insurmountable. He kills the engine._

"_It'll blow over. I promise." He sounds sure. _

_When he gets out of the car I follow him, through the marble entryway and up the wide staircase. His room is at the end of two long hallways. All of the other doors are shut and I remember that Edward's mom is something of a recluse. _

_In his room I look at his wall of framed photos while he digs around for something in a drawer. There are pictures of him in various sports uniforms, pictures of him and Ben from Boy Scouts and one of our families from when I was about eight years old._

_From the other side of the room I hear the flick of a lighter. He's hitting a pipe that I recognize. I watch him puff on it but when he tries to hand it to me I shake my head. _

_He gives me a look that makes me walk over and take it out of his hands. I don't know how to do it so he has to show me. The stream of smoke I exhale is dense and I wave my hand in the air to try to dissipate it. He laughs._

"_Don't bother. My dad's gone and my mom might as well be."_

_There's no good way to respond to that, so instead I sit on the edge of his bed. He sits next to me, smoking. I hit it just three times but then I'm so stoned that I can hardly speak. _

_Or I can, but probably shouldn't._

"_I'm just so mad at her."_

_Edward looks at me. "This may not be what you want to hear right now, but...Ben's the one who has a girlfriend. He's the one who cheated. I mean, it was shitty of her, but it's on him."_

_I'm stunned silent for a moment. It's rare to hear him speak so seriously. "Right, but-"_

"_She's gonna get crucified, Bella."_

_I hate that he's right. Everyone loves Rose. Everyone. It wouldn't take much for her to single-handedly ruin Angela's reputation, if it's not ruined already. The thought of the upcoming school year gives me a knot in my stomach._

"_Why'd he do it, do you think?" _

_Edward shrugs, but he's got an answer. "He was thinking with the wrong head."_

_I stare at him, eyes narrowed, until I get it. "Seriously, you talk about dicks more than anyone I've ever met."_

_He laughs and lays back on the bed, one arm behind his head. I do the same and we stare at the ceiling._

"_What a weird day," I say. _

_I can feel him turn and look at me. "Is_ this_ weird?" He means the two of us here, right now._

_My heart starts to beat a little faster and I think back to the night in the pantry. _

"_You told me I was pretty."_

"_You are," he says. _

"_Shut up," I say. _

"_You know, that isn't a very nice response to a compliment."_

_I roll my eyes, but concede. "Fine. Thank you."_

_Neither of us say anything until we hear a distant crash from somewhere inside this giant house. Another crash and the sound of glass shattering. Edward doesn't move, staring straight up even when I look at him._

"_You're really lucky, you know that?"_

_He doesn't say why and I don't ask. I just nod. _

_By the time we get back to the river Jasper's gone but there's something hanging in the air that leaves everyone agitated and jumpy. Another fight breaks out down the beach and I catch a ride with Jessica, who is just leaving. _

_Even though I'm confused and angry and I have a million questions, at this moment I really miss Angela._

* * *

**I'm on vacation next week and going off the grid so next update will be on the 14th or whenever I get back into the real world! Cabin time. Think Summer of Salt...but like the end part where they're grown-ups with babies. xo**


	5. Chapter 5

**A day late. Sorry! Thanks to all the usual suspects. ShearEnvy, bashfulfan, roglows and livie79. Gems! Each and every one of you! **

**A note on the timeline: The high school in this story is from grades 10-12, because that's how mine was. Most of you won't give a frick, but if you like to map it out in your mind, there's that. **

**On with it!**

* * *

I wish I was reading a book or doing anything other than just sitting here alone, but I don't have it in me to pretend today.

He's contrite in his sobriety, his gaze bouncing to mine and down again as he walks up the steps. He's tan and his brown hair is almost blond in spots from the sun. I recognize the t-shirt he's wearing as one from a concert he and Ben went to last summer but his board shorts look brand new. His eyes look tired and I wonder if his night was as sleepless as mine.

"Hey," he says.

The way he's looking at me makes me feel naked and I wish I had sunglasses on so I could hide how I feel just a little bit. I'm sure it's plain on my face.

I'm not ready to forgive him for last night.

"Hey," I say.

He sits in the chair across from me.

"I want to apologize," he starts.

A cube in my forgotten glass of iced tea cracks.

"Maybe we shouldn't do this," I say.

He waits for an explanation.

"Angela and I…" I don't even finish that. It's just done, I think. "Jasper's obviously pushing us together to get back at Angela, and Rose hangs up on me every time I call."

I fidget with the hair tie around my wrist.

He shakes his head. "I don't want to talk about them."

"What do you want to talk about?" I ask.

"Ben."

I think about my brother all the time, but I haven't heard Edward say his name in so long that it makes my eyes tear. There's no hiding it so I don't try.

"I want to tell you what happened."

Everyone knows what happened. The papers printed detailed accounts. The news cameras shot footage of the cops dragging the river for his body. I tried to ignore the press surrounding his death but every second that I did see is burned in my brain.

Every word.

But we haven't had this conversation. He's the last one Ben spoke to. He was the last one who saw Ben alive. I nod and he starts speaking like the words have been on the tip of his tongue for a year.

"After you and I..." he looks down and I silently fill in the words he doesn't say, "...got back, Ben said he wanted to go up to the cliffs. Probably to get away from Jasper as much as anything."

I nod, sighing. Any other day the three of them would have been together. Somewhere we have a picture of them standing by the cliffs that Ben took with his arm outstretched, holding the camera. The Beehive is the highest peak, and only the truly reckless jumped off of it. Even before I'd been to the river I'd heard the stories surrounding it.

"He wanted to do the Beehive and I told him I thought it was a bad idea but he was so fucked up about everything that day, I just went with it. We stopped on the walk so he could take a piss and he told me he thought he might actually like Angela. I mean, he loved Rose. He said that, too."

"What do you think would have happened?"

"I don't know. I really don't. He knew he fucked it up, either way. He was worried about whether Rose and Jasper would forgive him. He was worried about your dad's business and he was worried about how you would react when you found out…"

I go still.

"You knew." It's not a question.

"Yeah. He knew you were going to move and he knew you'd have to switch schools and all he cared about was how you would take it."

Two tears spill on to my cheeks. A car drives by, music blaring out of the open windows. Their brakes squeak at the stop sign and both of us listen to the song fade as they get a block away... two blocks.

"We got to the top and shotgunned a beer. He was dealing with all this shit and I started to feel really guilty...about you. About going behind his back and how he was going to find out anyway."

He stares at the peeling paint on our porch floor.

"Did you tell him?" I ask.

He shakes his head and doesn't look up. "He asked me what was up. I told him some bullshit about my mom."

I watch him struggle with the words.

"I didn't know that would be my last chance, you know? I thought maybe we'd have a few more beers. Smoke a bowl. Then I'd tell him."

He holds his breath and I know we're getting to the terrible, inevitable end to this story. "Then he said 'Everything's gonna be okay, man.' Just like that."

He looks up.

"Then he smiled at me. Then he jumped."

There's nothing to say after that, because when it happened there was nothing for a long time. Nothing that I want to remember, anyway.

"I thought you needed _space _or whatever." I can tell those are someone else's words he's using. "I showed up at your house. All the doors were locked and the basketball hoop was gone. I even looked in the windows and shit. You didn't even say goodbye."

I take a deep breath and wipe my cheeks as dry as I can with my palms.

"Why?" he asks.

"There was what happened with Angela after the funeral." It's my turn to be contrite. "Everything felt so screwed up. And what was I going to say to you? 'Hey, I know Ben just died but do you want to keep making out when I move to the west bank?'"

"I would've said yes." He doesn't hesitate.

We stare at each other.

"Seeing you is fucking with me. I thought I had everything worked out and then you show up and…"

"Like I said, maybe we shouldn't-"

"Stop saying that." He pulls his hat down. "_Please_ stop saying that," he says, quieter.

I'm not sure why, but out of everything, that's what makes me burst into tears.

He gets up and sits next to me but the angle is awkward and I missed the way he smells like grass clippings and weed, so I turn and throw my arms around his neck and turn my face in so I can soak his t-shirt with tears. We don't move for a long time.

Even after I stop crying and my breathing is slow and even, I don't let go, because this might be the last time I get to hug him. It might be the last time we get to be this honest with each other.

I sit up and take a deep breath, recognizing the calm clarity that comes after crying.

"Do you want to be friends?" I ask. "I know you said we weren't before but-"

He interrupts. "I didn't mean that."

"So, yes?"

He smiles. "Yeah."

"And Angela will be okay with that?"

He doesn't answer. I don't know how we can be anything if we don't address it, though.

I stand up and sit across from him. The distance makes me feel like I can be objective about this, even though I probably can't.

"Just tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"How it happened. How we got from the funeral to you two dating."

He exhales a long breath. "I felt bad for her -after the fight and everything." He gives me a look and I am appropriately sheepish at my shitty behavior. "She actually really liked Ben, you know. And Rose went AWOL and Jasper turned into this psychotic jackass for a few months. She was the only person I could really talk to."

"So you start talking and hanging out and then you kiss and the next thing...?"

It's a fantasy I had once. A little, bratty part of me hates her for stealing that. A bigger part of me wants to vomit.

He shrugs and I know if I didn't hit the nail on the head that I'm close to the truth.

"Are you happy?" I ask.

He stares at the floor. "Am I supposed to be?"

"I don't know."

I don't know if any of us are supposed to be happy yet. I have full minutes of it now...hours if I don't stumble into something that reminds me of him. Sometimes it's just a look on someone's face or the way they say a word.

Sometimes it's as simple as a benign thought that reminds me that I'm here to have benign thoughts and he isn't.

He's frowning and I realize what's missing between us is laughter. Edward was rarely serious. I attempt to lighten the mood.

"So, if we _do_ end up hanging out I'll just tell you right now that you can't flirt with me. It'll just make it harder."

He looks up and I think for the first time since I've seen him again, he cracks a real, true smile.

It breaks my heart wide open and that happiness that usually evades me lands there. We grin at each other.

"Harder, huh?" he asks.

I laugh.

"You're still a perv," I say. "Good to know that hasn't changed."

His smile widens and he's about to say something when my parents pull into the driveway. I hear them get out of the car but I'm watching his face.

"Edward," I hear my mom say.

He gets up and I can't watch. I hear her let out a muffled sob as they hug. My dad says "Good to see you, young man," when they hug, and I'm afraid I'll cry again.

"We had dinner but would you stay for some ice cream?" my mom asks in a hopeful voice, wiping at her eyes.

He'd probably rather have a beer. He probably has plans tonight and doesn't want to sit around with me and my still-grieving parents. But he nods.

"That sounds great."

Edward looks around as we walk to the kitchen, listening with interest as my dad tells him about the renovation plans.

I pull out four bowls and my dad scoops the ice cream. They ask him a thousand questions and he doesn't seem to mind at all. We laugh and for a while we feel whole again.

It's almost two hours before I walk him out to the porch. Crickets chirp in the darkness.

"That was really decent of you," I say, crossing my bare arms over my chest.

He smiles.

I'm not sure how to leave things. It feels more like the end of a date than it probably should.

"What now?" I ask.

"I get in my car and go home. You go to bed. And tomorrow I try to figure out how to tell Angela that you and I are going to be friends."

I hate every part of that. I hate it so much that it's then I realize what a dangerous game this is. This is all twisted up and to untangle it will mean broken hearts...very possibly mine.

"Good luck with that," I say.

We stand there facing each other. After a minute I stick my hand out.

He looks down and back up at me.

"A handshake?" He laughs but sticks his hand out, too, his palm warm and rough. I remember what they felt like on my waist...my hips.

He says goodnight and I don't go back inside until I can't hear his car anymore.

This is going to work out just fine.

Yeah, right.

* * *

Jasper calls again. This time it really is about Rose. I take my dad's mid-priced sedan and despite the fact that I'm trying to be well-adjusted, I consider parking it on the street rather than pulling it up to the gates.

I don't want him to think I'm ashamed of my family, though. I pull up and roll down the window, pushing the intercom button with my index finger. I'm buzzed in without having to announce myself, and I pull up in the carport. An attendant opens my car door and another is waiting to escort me inside.

I'm directed toward the study. Jasper's sprawled across a leather chair in the formal room, an unlit cigar between his forefinger and thumb.

"Cuban?" he asks.

I politely decline.

"Suit yourself."

He lights the cigar and I stand, waiting.

"Where is she?" I ask.

"Upstairs in her room."

I stare at him. "Are you going to tell her I'm here?"

He laughs. "Oh, she doesn't know you're coming."

"Seriously?"

"If she knew she'd kill me."

"What makes you think she won't kill _me_?"

He shrugs. "She probably won't even talk to you."

A nervous-looking man steps into the room, his hands clasped behind his back.

"Sir, the kegs are here."

"Put them on ice by the pool house."

The man bows and steps out.

"I'm having a party," he says. "I would have invited you but…" He doesn't finish the thought and I don't respond to it.

"Just tell me what exactly you think I can do to help Rose."

"She doesn't care about school. She doesn't care about her friends. She doesn't care about anything. Angela didn't_ take_ the head cheerleader spot from her." He practically growls as he says her name. "Rose gave it up. I just want someone to get through to her."

Like during our last conversation on this topic, I'm surprised at the intensity of his emotion and the honesty of his words.

And like before, I get it.

He stands, rolling the cigar between two fingers. "I appreciate you doing me this favor."

There's knocking at the door, then laughter, as three girls in big sunglasses and tiny sundresses walk into the foyer. I recognize them as girls that were a grade ahead of me at my old school. One of them whispers my name just loud enough so I can hear it.

"I'm not doing it for you," I say to Jasper, walking past the girls and up the marble staircase.

"Do you have any coke?" I hear one of the girls ask.

Jasper responds in the affirmative and I start to wonder who really needs saving here.

The door to Rose's room is closed but unlocked. I knock but when there's no response I let myself in. I'm not sure what I expected...maybe that it would be dark and closed up... but it's not. All the windows are open and somehow, even though the rest of the city is baking in the heat, her room is cool.

She's got headphones over her ears and she's laid out on a chaise lounge with her eyes closed. Nothing has changed much about her but her clothes. She's wearing cutoffs and a tank top that looks like it was cut up out of a t-shirt. It looks like something Alice would wear.

The band on her t-shirt has dark lyrics and heavy guitar. Ben used to like them. Rose didn't. I can hear tinny bass through her headphones. There are CD's scattered on the ground and even though she's taken down the framed photos of her and Ben from around the room, I see the top of one sticking out of a book, like she's using it for a bookmark.

When I glance back up, her bright blue eyes are open and she's staring at me blankly. It startles me more than I let on.

Her gaze is flat and uninterested.

"Hi, Rose."

She stares at me, her finger on her Discman and the headphones still on, like she's just waiting for me to leave so she can press play and pretend this didn't happen. "Hi."

"You keep hanging up on me."

She doesn't respond.

"Jasper's worried about you," I say.

Her steady gaze starts to unnerve me.

I try Edward's tactic. "I don't want to talk about Jasper, though. I want to talk about Ben."

She flinches and looks away, but not before I see a familiar devastation on her face. It's not far below the surface.

"Ben loved you...so much."

Her expression changes and even though I've always known she and Jasper were cut from the same cloth, this is the first time I've seen her so full of bitterness. "If you're here because you think that I doubt how much he loved me, you can leave."

I think that over and mentally take a step back from this scene, hoping for some perspective... some way in.

"Why are you so angry at me?" I ask.

She rolls her eyes and for a second I can see her, the way she used to be.

"Why are you here? To fix me? Like all I need is for someone to talk some sense into me - to remind me that Ben would want me to go on living life to its fullest or whatever trite platitudes you've been planning to say?"

"You're not the only one that lost him."

"I'm aware of that."

The hostility in her voice is palpable. This person isn't the Rose I knew. I stand, ready to end this conversation, but the photo tucked in the book catches my eye again.

I try one more time.

"What was the last thing he said to you?" I ask. Now that Edward told me about his last moments with Ben I want to hear more. I'm almost desperate to hear more.

She blinks and looks down, frozen there for a moment before she pulls the headphones off of her head and sits up.

"He said 'I love you','" she murmurs.

She doesn't ask what he said to me last but she seems like she's waiting for it.

"He told me to be safe," I say.

"Right before he jumped off a cliff," she says. "Fucking idiot." There's no anger in her voice, though. She says it almost fondly. "Sometimes it makes me want to do something really reckless."

Her gaze goes to the window.

"I don't know about reckless, but maybe you could come hang out with me on the west bank sometime?" I kick at one of the CD's on the floor. "My friend Emmett loves this shitty music."

She shrugs.

"You'd like them, you know...my new friends."

Her almost-smile falls. "You know what the last thing_ I_ said to _him_ was?"

I shake my head.

"I told him I hated loving him. At the time I didn't know how much I'd end up meaning that."

She pulls the headphones over her ears and presses the button, closing her eyes again.

I leave her bedroom door wide open behind me.

Downstairs, I find Jasper in the dining room. He's got a crystal glass of scotch in his hand and the antique mirror-topped bar cart has white lines laid out in rows. There are three girls in bikinis bent over it, popping up one-by-one, all wide pupils and smiles. Jasper's are hidden behind a pair of Ray-Bans.

"You can stick around if you want, Swan. Edward would love it. Angela wasn't invited."

Two of the girls exchange a look.

"You want a bump?" one of them asks.

Another one is adjusting her cleavage in her bikini. "Edward is so fucking hot. I'm totally going to try to get on him tonight."

Definitely not friends of Angela's. The girl tries to hand me a rolled-up hundred dollar bill. _Of course._

Jasper grabs it out of her hand. "No. Not her." He says it in a way that confuses me until I realize it's how Ben would have said it. It's brotherly.

Then he leans down and I watch the similarities disappear along with the white powder.

I turn around and walk out. "Wait up, Swan." I'm halfway to the door when he catches up to me.

"Were you always this depraved?" I ask, spinning to face him.

He sips his drink. "Yes. Why?"

This scene...I wonder if this is where Ben would have ended up. Or me.

"Did you talk to her?" he asks.

"Kind of. She seems...detached."

"No kidding," he says, flatly.

I turn again and this time I'm to the door before he stops me, slapping his palm flat on the door and standing too close to me.

"Come on, Swan."

"Fine. Maybe she needs a change of pace. To get the fuck out of_ this._" I gesture toward the dining room.

For a brief moment he looks like he feels bad - and a little lost. "If I can get her out of the house, where should I bring her?" It's a serious question.

"Party on the west bank tomorrow night."

He grimaces.

"Look, Jas. I'm not a shrink. I'm just barely less fucked up than Rose some days. But maybe it would help if you get her out of her own head a little. This isn't all there is, you know."

I hear people on the other side of the door. Car doors slam.

I step back just before the door flies open and people stream in. I say a few hellos but Jasper waves them off so we can finish our conversation.

"I'll see what I can do," he says, after the room clears. Someone turns up the music.

With my hand on the doorknob, I pause. "Hey, Jas?"

He waits.

"What was the last thing Ben said to you?"

It's not often that Jasper is silent and still, but he is now. He slides his sunglasses off.

"Why?"

I pause. "I don't know. I just want to know."

He takes a big drink off of his scotch before he answers.

"I don't remember much about that day. I took some pills...drank like half a bottle of Jack."

I knew that. He pauses, but then he's sniffing and wiping at his nose and I want to get out of here.

"I don't even remember when the cops showed up, or when they pulled him out of the water. I woke up the next morning like it was any other day. Rose was a fucking mess and I...I asked her what was wrong. I had no idea what happened until I turned on the TV."

I just stare at him.

"How fucked up is that?" he asks.

He turns and walks back to his party, probably hoping he can find a substance that will erase this conversation.

I kind of wish I could, too.

* * *

**Thank you for reading! **


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you to ShearEnvy, bashfulfan, roglows and livie79 for all of their support! **

**A note: Some people have interpreted Ben's death as suicide, but that wasn't my intention. It was an accident. It's alluded to in the first chapter but as with most of what I write, I leave a lot to be discerned by the reader...not always one of my better qualities as a writer. :) **

* * *

_July 25th_

_My parents lecture Ben through breakfast about fighting. He won't tell them who he fought with or why. He catches my eye and sends me a warning look so I keep my mouth shut, too. _

_My mom tells us she's having the carpets cleaned and some furniture moved to storage tomorrow. I hardly listen. I'm just relieved when they finally leave for work._

"_Do you want to just hang out today? Here?"_

"_Sure." It's a rarity that Ben and I do that. He smiles back but there's stress behind it. I haven't seen him this down since my grandpa died a few years ago._

_We spend an hour by the pool before he starts talking. _

"_You mad?" he asks from where he's sitting on the diving board. _

_I lower my book. "Mad's not the word."_

"_If you say you're disappointed, I'll fucking kill myself," he says. My mom said that to him at least ten times this morning._

_I laugh. "No, but I'm worried about you and Rose...and you and Jasper."_

"_Can you believe he hit me? I've never seen that kid throw a punch." _

_I think about what Jasper said to me yesterday._

"_I get why he's mad but...he seems, like, _really_ mad."_

_Ben winces, and I can tell I'm getting to the root of things. "Their dad cheats on their mom." He shakes his head. "Doesn't even try to hide it."_

"_Oh." I can't think of anything else to say. Now that I know that, the situation really does seem irreparable. _

_He stares into the pool. His skin is a deep brown this time of summer, and last night he and Edward got stoned and shaved their heads. I found them both shirtless in Ben's bathroom, hair all over the floor. Ben was watching himself in the mirror as Edward slid the clippers slowly over his scalp. I thought my mom would lose it when she saw them, but she just rubbed her palm over Ben's head and smiled. I guess it's only July and it will grow out in time for school pictures in the fall. _

"_Have you ever cheated on her before?" _

"_I've never even thought about it. I didn't think, though. It just sort of happened. I don't know...I don't want to talk about that part."_

_I nod. The details don't interest me. In fact, they totally gross me out._

"_Do you think I'm a bad person?" _

"_Everyone makes mistakes, Ben."_

"_This was a pretty big one."_

"_I'm not going to argue with you on that."_

_We're quiet._

_The cordless phone rings next to me. I hold it out and he shakes his head. I answer anyway._

"_Hi, Rose. He's in the shower."_

"_Oh." She sounds like she's been crying._

"_You okay?"_

_She says she is but I doubt it's true. _

"_And Jasper's hand?" I'll bet it hurts pretty badly today._

_She sighs. "Such an idiot. The doctor came over last night. He'll be fine but he's on painkillers. I'm sure he'll milk it for as long as he can."_

_I don't know what to say to that, so I don't say anything._

"_Can I ask you something, Bella?"_

_I glance at Ben. "Sure."_

"_When does _she_ get back from camp?" It doesn't escape my attention that she won't say her name._

"_A week from Sunday."_

_She pauses. "Tell her if she knows what's good for her she'll stay away from me."_

_Ben is staring at me. "I'll tell her," I say quietly._

"_Don't tell him I called...I don't really want to talk to him right now," she says, hanging up before I can respond._

_He stands up on the diving board, looking past our yard at the treetops and white, puffy summer clouds in the sky. "I'm fucked, right?"_

_I can neither confirm nor deny that, but it doesn't look good._

_He backflips into the pool and I get splashed with water. I protest, but only out of habit._

* * *

_Edward comes over for dinner. Rose calls right after and Ben disappears with the phone. An hour passes and Edward and I are in a heated game of Mario Kart when Ben slams his bedroom door._

_By the time he gets to the den he's relaxed, though. "What's up?"_

_I pause the game and Edward groans. He was just about to cross the finish line. I smile._

"_Let's go out," Ben says. He's not talking to me._

_Edward eyes him. "What'd she say?"_

_Ben tries to run his hands through his hair before he remembers he cut it off. He laces his hands behind his head instead. "I don't know, man. I just need to get out of here."_

_I set down my controller and get up, grabbing our soda cans and bringing them to the kitchen while the two of them have a hushed conversation. I'm not sure if they're speaking in low voices to keep it from me or from my parents, so I go up to my room and lay on my bed with a magazine._

_Ben knocks on my door. Edward's behind him in the hallway. They both walk in. Edward has his hands shoved in his pockets and he looks around. He's probably only been in my room a handful of times in the last few years._

"_You wanna come?" Ben asks. _

_Despite my attempt to be cool, my heart races. I look down at what I'm wearing. It's the summer uniform of shorts and a tank top, but I'm not sure where we're going._

"_Just grab a hoodie," he says. "I told mom and dad."_

_If I answer I'm going to give away how excited I am, so I just grab a sweatshirt and my purse and follow them out to Edward's car. I hardly pay attention to where we're going until we pull up to a liquor store. Edward gets out and jogs in. Ben turns in his seat to look at me._

"_We're going to Hidden."_

_I smile. I've never been there, but I've heard it's a nude beach. _

"_Edward has a fake ID?" I ask, watching him walk up to the cash register through the front window. _

_Ben just smiles._

_Edward throws everything in the trunk and when he gets in, he takes a second to adjust his mirrors. "I saw Mike. I told them we were headed down to the river."_

_Ben laughs. "Fuck 'em."_

_I don't get it. "Why would you tell them that?"_

_Edward eyes me in the rearview mirror before he pulls out of the parking spot. "If we say we're going to Hidden, everyone will go to Hidden."_

_I think that over for a while._

"_That's really rude and conceited," I say, finally._

_Ben throws his head back and laughs. Edward just smiles. _

"_You're a fucking riot, B," Ben says. _

_We drive a lot farther than I thought we would, pulling into a neighborhood that runs along the train tracks. The streetlights are few and far between and there's little that would indicate there's even a lake nearby. We duck through a hole in a fence and walk along the train tracks for a few minutes before Ben stops, taking a few steps backward._

"_Here," he says, nodding toward the woods._

_My heart races as we approach the pitch blackness, and as we get a few steps in I stop when I can no longer see Ben in front of me. Edward bumps into me from behind. _

_He doesn't say anything, but he guides me, a hand on my lower back. I hold my breath the whole time, not because I'm afraid, but because I don't want him to let go. He squeezes my waist once when we get to the beach. Ben immediately finds someone he knows. Edward nods at a few people, but doesn't approach them._

_There's a bonfire going and I'm disappointed to find that everyone is pretty much doing the same thing that our friends do at the river. _

"_No one's naked," I say to Edward._

_He looks at me, smiling. "What?"_

"_Nothing." I may need to reconsider my sources. "Where's Ben?"_

_He points him out. Someone yells Ben's full name. That doesn't surprise me. Ben knows everyone. _

_Edward nods at the group. "They're from the west side."_

_I wrinkle my nose and Edward looks at me funny, like he's trying to find something in my expression._

"_They're just like us, Bella."_

_That makes me feel petty and stupid, but also confused. I know I've heard him say things about the west side before. _

"_You want a drink?" he asks. I nod and he pulls a beer out of the six pack in his hand. It's a bottle so he has to open it for me._

_We find a spot to sit off to the side of the action._

_Ben is the center of attention, as usual. He moves back a few paces and a group of guys chant "do it" while he crouches like he's starting a sprint. When he starts running toward the fire I stop breathing._

"_He's got it," Edward says. I don't relax until he's jumped cleanly over the bonfire, almost landing in a pretty blonde's lap on the other side. He stops inches from her, their faces close. _

_The whole beach cheers and he kisses her once on the lips before he does a victory lap, slapping hands on his way back to the girl who's holding his beer._

"_Maybe Ben should be single for a while," I say. I love Rose like she's my sister but watching him like this makes me think he may need some time to settle down. _

_Edward shrugs. "That wasn't anything. That wasn't even a real kiss."_

"_What's a _real_ kiss?" I ask, looking at him skeptically._

_He looks down at me and I realize where this is going before he speaks. I can't stop smiling._

"_Want me to show you?"_

_I don't answer the question because I'll say yes. I just tell him to shut up._

_It takes me two beers to get tipsy. Girls have been circling Edward but he doesn't seem to notice, all of his attention is focused on our conversation. I can hear Ben's loud laugh from across the beach every few minutes._

"_I'm kind of pissed that she lost her virginity before me," I say, my filter gone for the night._

"_Was it a contest?" he asks._

_I tip the beer bottle back but it's empty. I set it next to my foot in the sand. _

"_No. But if it was, I totally lost."_

"_Maybe you should wait." _

_I roll my eyes. "Whatever. It's not that big of a deal." I'm not sure I believe that, though._

_When he doesn't respond I look at him. He's looking out at the lake. "Maybe it should be, though, you know?" _

"_Or maybe you should just take me in the woods and get it over with."_

_He laughs but frowns at the same time, exhaling a breath slowly. He looks at me and shakes his head. "You could get me in trouble, Bella Swan."_

_I stare at him, trying to tell how serious he is, but I don't have a chance to respond. Ben stumbles up, drunk. "Let's get outta here before it gets busted."_

_Looking around, I realize there are probably twice as many people as when we showed up. It's getting louder and more out of control as the minutes go by. _

_On the dark path, Edward guides me again, and this time his hand lingers even when we reach the edge of the woods. When he does let go, the backs of our hands touch and for just a second he hooks his index finger around my little finger, his eyes on mine._

_I try not to stare at him on the way home but every time we pass a car I glance up to see his face lit by their headlights. Ben talks most of the way, recapping the night in the way that only he can. Almost everything is funnier and better and brighter the way he tells it. I've always loved that about him._

_My dad comes downstairs when we get home. I try to maintain, acting as normal as I can while I get a soda out of the fridge. Ben throws his arm over my dad's shoulder, though, not bothering to hide his drunkenness. My dad just shakes his head, smiling at the three of us. I'm surprised he's still up. He looks tired. _

"_Your private line rang all night. I finally turned off the ringer. Rose called the house phone about six times, too."_

_Ben rubs his hands over his face. "Shit."_

_My dad looks at him. "I'm starting to get a clearer idea of why you have a black eye, son."_

"_Yeah... I'm an asshole."_

_Sighing, my dad comes over to kiss my temple before he goes upstairs. "Don't wake up your mother."_

_He pats Edward's shoulder as he walks by. I wait until I hear the bedroom door shut. "Hot tub?" _

_Ben is already picking up the phone, though. "I'll meet you out there."_

_I wear a bikini but it's not even my skimpiest one. I don't want him to think I'm trying too hard. Edward's got a pair of boardshorts on and I try not to stare at the way they hang on his hips. I fail. We're in the water for a few minutes when I start to feel lightheaded. He helps me out and I lay on a pool chair, cooling off in the night air. We end up side-by-side staring up at the few stars we can see in the city._

"_You can totally have a beer if you want. My dad really doesn't care."_

_Edward shrugs. "I'm good." It isn't like him but I don't press the issue._

"_I wonder if Ben's okay."_

"_He's probably passed out."_

"_Or he's still pleading for forgiveness." I sigh. "I don't want Angela to come back. Today Rose told me to keep Angela away from her."_

_He nods. "Sucks, but it's not really your problem."_

_He's both right and wrong about that. It may not be my problem but there's no way I'm going to get away without having endless conversations about it once Angela gets back._

_Sitting up, I face him, wrapping my towel around my shoulders. For one long moment I let myself stare at his chest….abs...to that place where his shorts hang just a little too low._

_When I glance up he's watching me, his hands behind his head. I suppose he's cocky but I don't mind. He's got good reason to be._

_He sits up, facing me. He puts one leg on either side of mine and I want to touch him but I don't move. _

"_What if I kissed you right now?" he asks. _

_I'm stunned silent for a moment, not sure how serious he is. I keep my response light._

"_I'm a traditional kind of girl. So then we'd have to get married."_

_He grins._

"_Ben would be, like, your brother," I say, making a face. "He's a total pain in the ass sometimes."_

"_He already is my brother...and a pain in my ass."_

_I smile. "You'd have to put up with my mother, too."_

"_Your mom's the best." _

_I'm about to say something about his mom but I stop myself. _

"_Or it could ruin everything," I say, quietly. We stare at each other. "Are you being serious or…?"_

_He nods, glancing at my lips. _

"_So, do it," I say. A challenge._

_He smiles. "Okay."_

_There's a long, liquid pause before either of us move. He leans forward and hesitantly, I do too, my lips pressing softly against his. Pulling back a few inches, I look at his face. _

_He's not smiling now. "That wasn't even a real kiss."_

_Leaning in again, I kiss him like I've always wanted to kiss him. I slide a little closer and he grabs the outsides of my thighs lightly. I touch his face...the back of his neck. _

_We kiss forever. We kiss until my lips hurt and I kind of lose my place, colors bursting and popping behind my eyes while I breathe in the scents of summer, chlorine and weed. We kiss so long that I forget we're outside until a chill slides across my skin, the ends of my hair wet against my back. He pulls back and I come to slowly, drunk on that feeling. I've never been kissed like that. Not even close._

_When I open my eyes he's smiling._

_I want to fall back on the chair and swoon and kick my legs in the air and scream but I'll do that in my bedroom later._

_That kiss left me tongue-tied. I can't think of one single thing to say. He looks down. I'm winding my fingers through his. I've never felt this way about holding hands before._

"_My dad gets home tonight. He leaves again tomorrow," he says._

_I haven't seen his dad in years. He's almost perpetually away on business in Singapore. My head clears slightly and I realize that's probably why he didn't want to drink too much._

"_That's great, Edward."_

"_Will you be down at the river tomorrow?" he asks._

"_If Ben doesn't mind me tagging along, yeah."_

"_I want to be home when my dad gets there so I should go...but I'll see you tomorrow," he says. _

_His shirt is thrown over the back of my chair. He reaches past me to grab it and I watch him pull it on. _

"_I wish you didn't have to go."_

_He stands and grabs my hands, pulling me up with him._

_This kiss is different. It's deep and sweet and still. I stand on my tiptoes to reach his lips so he doesn't have to duck his head._

_We part there but I turn to watch the gate shut behind him._

_I wait to freak out until I get to my room. Then I scream into my pillow and I'll probably wake up my parents but I turn on music and dance like I've never had an inhibition in my life._

* * *

**Thank you for reading!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks to the usuals, ShearEnvy, bashfulfan, roglows and livie79. Love you all! **

* * *

I also don't hear from Edward, and the radio silence from him is worse. It might mean he changed his mind about being friends. It means something… I know that much.

A few days pass and the one-year anniversary of Ben's death arrives. It's not that I didn't know it was coming, but the weight of it catches me off guard. I was moving forward. I was making amends and feeling all the things I think I'm supposed to feel. But today is on pause. There's nothing. No sound. No light. Nothing to say.

I'm up before my parents. I'm up before the birds start to chirp, not doing anything but sitting in bed, staring at the blank wall across from me in the dark. I still haven't hung up any pictures. They're in a box in my closet that I haven't opened since we moved.

Today isn't the day for that, though.

It's Saturday, which feels wrong. It should be a shittier day...a Tuesday or something. My parents want to go to the cemetery and I know I'll go along but I would rather do anything else. I hate that he's underground, even though he was cremated. I would have scattered his ashes if anyone would have asked me, but no one did.

I sit there, still, until the sun comes up. I listen to my parents walk down the stairs. I smell coffee and one of them turns on the shower. I don't move.

Finally, my mom opens my bedroom door.

Her eyes are red and her skin is already blotchy from crying. She doesn't say anything, though. She just stands there, as lost as I am today.

My eyes start to ache and I want so badly to be strong so my mom won't have to deal with my pain on top of her own but I'm not strong. I bring my knees up and rest my head on them, tears sliding down my legs.

"Baby." She sits with me and I try to cry silently but can't.

It's the only sound in the whole house.

* * *

I wear sunglasses and a black dress. It feels rehearsed somehow, the three of us standing here in a row. If Ben were here he would say he was bored. He would try to do a handstand on a headstone and my dad would yell at him.

Instead we just stare at the slab of marble and try to pretend there is some significance to this, when really, I feel more connected to my brother when I'm laughing with Alice or walking barefoot on the beach. I'm not sure he's here more than anywhere else.

I stare at the grass that's grown over the patch of dirt that was visible last time we were here. It's the saddest thing.

I turn and walk away.

I'm leaning against the car door when I spot Edward. He's in his SUV, parked across the lot. He's got his head down and he doesn't see me until I knock on the glass next to him. His head jerks up and he glances at me, wiping the tears off of his cheeks before he rolls down the window.

Neither of us say anything. We don't even look at each other. I don't want to see him cry and I'm sure he doesn't want me to.

"You want to get out of here?" he asks.

I look at my parents, still standing with their backs to us. My dad has his arm around my mom's waist. It's too far to yell. They might be there for a while anyway. I find a receipt in my purse and write them a note that I tuck under the windshield wiper of our car.

_Left with Edward. Be home later. I love you._

When I climb into the passenger seat he smiles at me from behind sunglasses. I take a deep breath, smelling the cologne he keeps in the glove box. He still drives the same way, leaning back and to the side like a rapper in a video. Ben used to do that, too.

He doesn't tell me where we're going and I don't ask. He just drives, taking the curves just a little too fast on the cemetery roads.

Closing my eyes and leaning my head back, I finally see my brother. He's in the open windows and sunshine. He's in the squeal of Edward's tires as we turn onto the main road and in the charge of the engine when he speeds up to make a yellow light.

I look at Edward and he glances at me a few times, trying to keep his eyes on the road.

"I missed you," I say. I'm not even sure if I mean the last few days or the last year or what, but it doesn't matter.

He hesitates, but I don't mind. I know he'll say it. No matter what has happened between us, I know it's true.

"I missed you, too."

* * *

We smoke a joint while pulled over on a side street and then he buys me a hot fudge sundae at Dairy Queen. We sit at a table outside that has an umbrella. I take a bite right before he decides to start talking.

"Angela and I broke up." His cherry slushie turned his tongue bright red.

My heart thumps. "I'm sorry," I say, through a mouthful of ice cream.

Swallowing, I try to figure out what to say. Everything is going to sound insincere, because it kind of is. I wipe the corner of my mouth with my napkin. "I mean...I'm sorry."

"Really?" he asks.

I try to keep my expression neutral but I doubt I'm successful. "No."

I expect him to explain what happened, but he doesn't. It's probably for the best, but my mind catches on that gap in my knowledge just the same.

"I feel like we should do something," he says.

"Like what?"

He shrugs, but after a few seconds he gets up and walks to the payphone at the edge of the parking lot. The conversation he has is brief and he walks back pulling his hat down with both hands, his face hidden until he sits. He chooses his words carefully.

"Sometimes Ben, Jas and I used to go up to my roof and hit golf balls."

I remember hearing about that. They broke a window in Edward's pool house once.

"Jas is going to try to get Rose to come over."

"Does she know I'm with you?"

"Yeah, she knows."

"And we're going to hit golf balls off the roof?"

He gives me a half-smile.

"Because I have really, really bad aim."

His grin widens. "I remember that."

"Shut up." I don't mean it, though.

We throw out our cups and get back in his truck. He puts on a song that has no significance to me but when it's over he plays it again. I wonder what made this song special, but it's no more my business than my memories are his, so I don't ask.

His house looks the same. He leads me into the kitchen and grabs a few beers, leading me up to the third floor, then to a ladder that leads up through the roof. It's not what I expected. It's small and seems like it's probably made for maintenance. One side just drops off. No railing. There's a bucket of golf balls and a club propped up next to the edge.

"Are you scared of heights?" he asks. He clearly isn't. He stands with his back to the open space. He could take two steps backward and...

"I don't know. I think so." My throat feels tight and it's several minutes before my heart slows. It helps that he sits next to me in one of a few chairs lined up on one side.

By the time we hear footsteps on the ladder, I've relaxed for the most part. You can see everything from up here. Our old school...my old house. You can see the bridge and parts of the west side, too. It feels like I'm on a cloud looking down at my whole life.

Rose doesn't smile at me, but she doesn't give me that blank stare from the other day, either. She says 'hey' before she turns to Edward.

"Jas said you broke up with Angela."

I raise my eyebrows. He didn't tell me that. He just said they broke up, not that he was the one to do it.

He avoids both of our gazes and nods. Rose glances at me and gives me a hint of a smile.

I'll take it.

Jasper pulls himself up behind her. He's got a bottle in his hand, which doesn't shock me. Dropping into a chair, he sits back, pulling the cork out of the bottle and tossing it off of the roof.

"Jas," Rose starts.

"No, it's right," Edward says. "That's what we did."

"Everyone has to take a drink," Jasper says, and it's like the song in the car. I don't know the significance, but to Jasper, passing that bottle means something today.

He holds the bottle out to Edward, who takes a swig and hands it to Rose. She follows suit, staring out at the horizon, before handing it to me.

I hesitate and Jasper turns, his voice serious. "Everyone has to."

I take the drink, shuddering at the taste. He takes the bottle out of my hand and sits back again.

Rose sits on the other side of me and none of us move for a while, all four of us taking in the view. Jasper stands, grabbing the golf club. He sets the ball in a divot in the roofing. I watch him adjust his posture, shifting his weight from foot to foot. He swings back but stops before he hits the ball, adjusting his stance again.

Edward smirks. "It's like golfing with Grandpa Hale."

"Fuck you," Jasper mumbles. He doesn't go any faster, though. There's another thirty seconds of adjustment before he swings back and hits the ball.

Edward stands to watch the trajectory. "You didn't even get close, you pussy."

"By all means, show me how it's done." Jasper holds the golf club out in challenge. They exchange the club for the bottle and Edward mimics Jasper getting ready to swing.

"Prick," Jasper says, swigging off the bottle.

For a second the two of them are like they used to be and it makes my chest ache. Rose looks like she feels about the same.

I stare at her. She's wearing another cut-up band t-shirt and her hair is longer than I've ever seen it. She turns to look at me and I'm about to apologize for barging in on her the other day but she interrupts me.

"I'm sorry about the other day," she says, keeping her voice low.

"It's okay. You just feel how you feel. I get that."

"What about you?" she asks. "How do _you _feel?"

No one has asked me that yet today. I think about it. "It's not the worst day. It's pretty bad..." I look at Edward and then reiterate, "but it's not the worst."

She follows my gaze and half-smiles.

"Can I ask you something?" I ask.

She nods.

"Don't you hate Angela?"

"Not really."

I don't disguise my shock well.

"If Ben were here...I would hate her guts. But he's not." She looks down. "She's just another person who loved him and lost him, like me."

I eye her. "You think she loved him?"

"We talked about it once." She pauses, her eyes seeing a different scene. "You can't fake that."

Hearing her say that makes me feel worse. The things I said to her are that much harsher if that's true. I didn't known that then, though, and I was wrapped up in a grief so deep that I could hardly breathe.

Rose touches my shoulder.

"Don't do that," she says.

"Do what?"

"Don't beat yourself up about what you said to her. She's lucky it was you and not me. You just got to her first. And if I'm being honest, I'm happy Edward broke up with her. Them ending up together never made sense to me...but a lot of things that happened since Ben died haven't made sense to me."

Edward hits the ball and Jasper openly laughs at him, pointing at where it landed. Edward pretends to swing the club at Jasper's shin.

"Did you go the cemetery today?" she asks.

"Yeah my parents wanted me to go. But...I didn't feel any closer to him. It was just depressing."

"Right? It feels so wrong to think about him and look at a headstone like that somehow represents who he was."

I stare at her. She didn't come to the interment. I'm kind of surprised she visited his grave.

She sees the question on my face. "I went through a phase where I went every day. Then they made me start showing up to class again, so whatever. My therapist thought it was keeping me from moving on."

I laugh in the way that those who have truly lost laugh. Because moving on isn't an option until your heart decides it is and anyone who tells you different hasn't lived through that agony.

"What made you come today? I honestly didn't think you would," I ask.

She looks me over, slowly moving her gaze over my features. "I almost didn't. It sort of hurts to look at you. You look so much like him."

Jasper glances at us and looks away quickly. Edward looks at the ground. There's no privacy on this little roof, though. I know they're listening.

"Maybe that's why it was so hard when you moved, because being near you feels like being with him...just a little bit. Your laugh...even just the way you smile."

Edward nods in agreement, but doesn't look up.

"I'm sorry I just left," I say quietly. Edward doesn't respond, but he and I already did this part. Jasper meets my eyes and nods, accepting my apology.

I look at Rose, her cheeks red and eyes puffy. Mine probably look the same. She sighs. Her eyes travel over my face again and I know she's seeing him in my cheekbones, in my brown eyes.

"You're not going to try to kiss me, are you?" I ask.

She smiles, then she starts to laugh. Really laugh. The kind that is so good that it can't be contained. The kind that you think about later and it makes you smile. It's contagious and I join in, doubled over in my chair. The boys watch, grinning, and it's the lightest I've felt in a year.

We take turns hitting balls off the roof. When I accidentally hit a window on the pool house I gasp, putting a hand over my mouth, but when I turn around Rose is grinning. Edward and Jasper stand, yelling and clapping.

It turns out that was point of the game all along.

I just didn't know it.

* * *

Rose hugs me before they leave. Jasper doesn't but it would be the most awkward hug in the whole world if he did so I settle for the nod he gives me and I nod back. It feels right.

When they're gone Edward and I are left standing across the shiny marble counter from each other in his kitchen. It's quiet. If his mom is home you wouldn't know it.

The empty bottle is sitting on the counter. I didn't drink much of it.

"You're drunk," I say.

He doesn't deny it.

"I should call my parents to pick me up."

"Don't," he says. "Stay."

My stomach flips.

"We don't have to do anything," he says. "I just…"

I freeze up at the mention of 'doing' anything with him. The fact that he even thought to say it makes my heart pound in my chest. I know I'm going to say yes, but I also know I need to call my parents.

"Okay."

He looks up, blinking like he didn't think I would say yes. For a second he flashes me a grin that makes me doubt his honorable intentions, but it fades.

"I'm going to call them, though. I don't want them to worry."

"You can use my line," he says. He walks around the counter and waits for me to follow. I wait a beat, but I do. We walk through his big, empty house, up the theatrical staircase and down the long, thickly carpeted hallway to his room.

He lays on his bed and I stand next to it, looking down at him after I dial. My mom answers on the second ring.

"I wish you would have called earlier," she says, after I say hello. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm okay. You?"

She sounds exhausted, but she says she's alright. I ask about my dad and she says he's already asleep.

"Where are you?" she asks.

I consider lying, but it seems stupid. "I'm at Edward's. He had too much to drink so I'm going to stay over."

I put my knee up on the bed, balancing while I wind the phone cord around my wrist. He brushes my leg with the back of his hand.

There's silence on the other end of the line.

"Mom?"

She sighs. "I'm assuming they have a guest room."

"Of course."

"Just this once, Bella," she says, warning in her tone.

"I love you."

"I love you, too. I'm sorry about today. I mean...I don't know what I mean. I'm just sad."

"I'm sad too, mom."

She sighs into the receiver and we say goodnight. He and I stare at each other after I hang up the phone. I reach over and switch off the light.

He makes a place for me right next to him, his arm coming around to rest on my waist. I lay my cheek on his chest and close my eyes, closer to sleep than I expected.

"What are we doing?" I ask him.

It takes him a long time to answer. My eyes drift shut. "I don't know."

"It feels good."

He smiles. I don't even have to look. I can feel it.

I think over the day. Somehow, it feels like Ben was there, hitting golf balls and drinking rum out of the bottle right along with us. Tomorrow I'll ask Edward if he felt that way, too.

I can tell when he's asleep. I listen to his heart beating, his steady breathing in and out.

Then I say my last goodnight, silently, to my brother.

I hope he hears it.

* * *

**Thank you for reading! **


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you to my loves ShearEnvy, bashfulfan, roglows and livie79. **

**This is my favorite chapter so far. **

* * *

_July 26th_

_I'm ansty, ready to go before Ben's even out of bed. It's not like anyone would be there this early, especially Edward. I think about calling him, but I'm trying to play it cool. As if._

_My mom watches me, amused, as I move around the kitchen. I'm ready to go for the day, bikini tied under my tank top, sunscreen on my nose and shoulders. Ben is taking forever but it doesn't matter. I can't stop smiling._

"_Beautiful day," she says, sipping her coffee._

_I just smile and she smiles back. If she's wondering what's responsible for the change in my demeanor, she doesn't ask. _

_Ben shuffles downstairs, the bruise on his jaw worse than yesterday. My mom reaches up for it and he ducks out of her reach. "Aw, come on, mom," he says. But he sits at the table and when she kisses the top of his head he leans into it, letting her wrap one arm around his neck from behind. She's given up the interrogation about his fight now that it's obvious something happened with Rosalie. _

_It's an hour before he's ready, and by then I'm already in the car with my seatbelt on, waiting. He frowns as he gets in. "Why are you so fucking hyper today?" he asks. _

_I have to make a conscious effort to look casual. "I'm not."_

_He looks at me before he starts the engine. "Bullshit." Then he squints, looking at my face. "You're not seeing some guy, are you?" I can almost see him running through the list of suspects. I hope I'm not blushing._

"_No," I lie._

_He can tell. "Better not tell me who it is."_

"_Who _who_ is?"_

_He grins. "You're a little shit, you know that?"_

_I just smile at him._

"_What's your plan today?" I ask._

_He turns the key in the ignition and sighs. "Fight with Rosalie. Get drunk. Make up with Rosalie in the woods. Get drunker. Fight with Rosalie some more."_

_I give him an apologetic look. "Sorry."_

_He shrugs. "What about you?"_

"_Nothing. Tan. Read my book. Try to avoid whatever you and Rose are doing in the woods."_

_It occurs to me then that when I see Edward I have no idea what's going to happen. It's not like I can run up and kiss him...or even hug him. I can't let on that anything happened between us at all. My good mood dims just a little bit._

_When we walk down the path, there are already people on the beach. I look around and don't see Edward._

_I lay out my towel and I expect Ben to run off but he sits next to me, staring out at the opposite bank of the river. There are a few guys playing frisbee and someone with a guitar. A girl wears a crop top and what looks like a homemade patchwork skirt. The scene looks kind of like the photos my parents have from the 60's. _

_Rose walks up and sits next to Ben, stretching her long legs out. He tries to kiss her but she turns her face so his lips graze her cheek. He goes back to staring at the west bank._

"_Do you ever think about how much there is out there that we don't even know about? Like, there are people living whole lives that are completely different than ours. People we don't even know exist."_

_I look at him. Rose does, too. Then she gets up and walks away, her arms crossed over her stomach. Ben's head drops and he closes his eyes. _

"_What did I say now?" he asks, not waiting for an answer before he gets up to follow her._

_I hope they'll work it out, but I'm starting to wonder if they will...and who knows what will happen when Angela gets back. A few girls I know from school stop over to talk to me, but they're just looking for dirt on Ben and Rose, so I'm just frosty enough that they leave me alone after a few minutes of stilted conversation. _

_After they walk away, I sit back with my book, willing myself to get engrossed in the story. _

_I'm a few chapters in when Edward shows up. The only reason I know he's there is because Jasper drunkenly yells his name._

_I keep reading...or pretending to read. My eyes are moving over the text and not processing one word of it. A few minutes go by before Edward finally walks over to me. He gives me his half-smile and I have to hold back so I don't grin too widely._

"_What's up?" he asks. _

_I hold up the book in my lap. "Reading."_

"_Cool. Ben forgot his weed and I'm going to hit the liquor store so I told him I'd get it out of his room. He told me to bring you in case the alarm is set."_

_I look up at him, narrowing my eyes. He knows the code and could do it without me. Ben would know that, too. I give Edward a skeptical look and he grins._

"_He thinks you're bored and need to be entertained."_

_He's kind of right. I am just sitting here by myself. Plus, I'm happy to go with Edward...even if I'm a little nervous. My house will be empty. We'll be totally alone. _

"_And you're going to entertain me?" My cheeks turn red. It was a lot easier to flirt last night after I'd had a couple of drinks._

_He doesn't answer. He just bites his lower lip and smiles._

_My heart is in my throat as I grab my bag, leaving my towel behind to save my spot in the sand._

_We take our time walking to the car and once we get in I realize I haven't asked him how the rest of his night went._

"_How's your dad?"_

"_He's good. He seems happy…" He glances at me. "He says he'll be back for Thanksgiving."_

_It doesn't sound like he believes it._

"_I'm sorry," I say. I'm at a loss. _

_I stare at his profile. I want to kiss him...or at least acknowledge the night before in some way. He starts the car and pulls out of the spot, though. My confidence is slightly shaken, so I turn and stare out the window, trying to hide the disappointment I'm sure is on my face._

"_Hey," he says. When I look at him he's frowning. "What's wrong?"_

_There's no way to say it without just saying it. "I'm not sure how to act after last night. Like, I'm not sure where we stand, I guess."_

_He's quiet for a minute and I'm afraid that he's going to say something that I don't want to hear. Abruptly, he pulls over the car and unbuckles his seatbelt, leaning over and pulling me toward him. He kisses me and his hands slide down my sides, around my waist. I wish we weren't in a car with a barrier between us._

_I break the kiss. "No one's at my house."_

_We're inches away from each other and his eyes search mine. I was afraid he'd be apprehensive, but he doesn't seem to be. He bites his lip again and I can't breathe._

_He drives fast, but then, he always does. When we pull into my driveway we both get out of the car. I open the gate, grabbing his hand as we walk past the pool. Once inside, I shut off the alarm and turn to face him. _

"_Do you want to go upstairs?" I ask._

_He nods, and I begin to realize that despite the fact that he's more experienced and a little bit older, I feel like I'm in control of this situation. He follows me upstairs and I sit on my bed while he shuts the door behind us. As he walks toward me, my heart is in my throat. He stands next to the bed in cargo shorts and t-shirt. He pulls on the brim of his hat with both hands, his eyes moving over my body. I get up on my knees, and I want to see his eyes, so I reach up to pull his hat off. He ducks his head, making it easier for me. His eyes are green, tired from staying up late but they're sharply focused on me._

_There's a question there, but he doesn't ask it out loud. _

_I smile in response and sit back, laying back on the pillows and motioning him forward with my hands. He climbs onto my bed and settles on top of me, my thighs squeezing his hips. _

_For a second we just stare at each other. This feeling, right here, is something I've thought about enough times that I want to savor it. His weight feels so good and solid. I feel safe with him, my arms looped around his neck. He leans down and I think he's going for my lips but he dips to the side, kissing my neck...up the side and across my jaw. Exhaling heavily, I pull him closer._

_We kiss and kiss until I want more, pulling up on the hem of his shirt. He sits back and pulls it over his head, then looks down and watches my hand trail across his flexed stomach, just at the waistband of his boxers. He helps me slide my tank top off, and when I untie my bikini top he stares and then dips his head, kissing me there. I close my eyes and sigh, feeling the grip of each of his fingers, warm palms on my skin._

_He moves his way back up my body and settles on top of me more heavily this time, pressing forward just enough that I can see how this will work...how easy it will be to fit together. Not today, though._

"_I'm not ready for…" I start._

_He shakes his head. "I know."_

_It's me that tries to push it further, though. We kiss and I arch into him. He pauses, dropping his head onto my chest to take a breath. He tries it again and once more I shift my hips up. He keeps kissing me but backs away so I can't quite get the friction I'm looking for._

"_Bella," he says, breathless, the third time I push our bodies together in the way that feels right. _

_He pushes himself off of me and lays on his back, his chest rising and falling rapidly. I slide under his arm, my leg hitched over his. I press a kiss to his chest, sliding my hand over the muscle there. His skin is smooth and tan and he smells so good I could lick him._

_So I do it. Just a little. He looks down, frowning. "Did you just lick me?"_

_I smile. "You taste good."_

_His eyes go dark and he pulls me up to kiss him again. After a few minutes I instinctively slide on top of him, my legs on either side of his hips. Freezing, he grabs my wrists and pushes me back, but it only serves to put more weight on where I can feel him hard beneath me. He laughs once, helpless, frowning and smiling like it's some sort of delicious pain. _

_It feels so right, that connection. I know he feels it, too._

_Then very slowly, he lets go of my wrists and grabs my hips, pushing them down and pulling them toward him. He exhales heavily and when he opens his eyes they're hooded. He sits up, our bare chests pressed together._

"_We have to stop. I can't..." he whispers against my shoulder, and it's not what I want to hear, but I know he's right. I want to go slow if it all feels this good, but I can see how easy it would be to go just a little too far._

_Carefully, he picks me up and sets me down next to him, dropping his head and closing his eyes again. His pulse is racing and I go to kiss that spot on his neck. He stiffens._

"_You gotta give me a minute." _

_I lay back on my bed, staring at my spinning ceiling fan. Maybe I should put my shirt on but I don't want to yet. I feel so good, like I'm just on the edge of something really amazing._

_When he turns toward me a few minutes later he's composed, at least more so than he was. He smiles and it's the crooked one that I love._

"_Do you want to take a cold shower before we go?" I ask, grinning._

_He laughs, then he tickles me until I can't breathe. By the time we're getting dressed we've been gone long enough to have run both errands several times over. If Edward told Ben about this I wouldn't even care, though. If nothing else, he can't really object given what happened with him and Angela._

_Even though I don't ask him to, he moves behind me to tie my bikini top back on while I hold the front to my chest. The light brush of his hands on my back makes my skin break out in goosebumps, and the kiss he presses to the back of my neck makes my knees feel weak._

_I can't stop smiling. After he grabs Ben's weed and we walk back out to the car, I slide my sunglasses on but know they can't hide how I'm feeling._

_At the liquor store I let myself freak out a little while he's inside, keeping in mind that he could look out and see me through the windows. _

_When we're almost to the turnoff for the river road, he pulls over one more time, a risky move since people we know could drive by here at any moment. This kiss is frantic, and he lets his hands wander lower. So do I. I palm him through his shorts and he groans against my lips. His hand grips my hip and then he slides his thumb up my inner thigh and over the seam of my cutoffs. I make a whimpering sound that makes him kiss me harder._

_This time when he sits back I mimic his position and we both catch our breath._

"_Holy shit," I say, not feeling as in control as I did before. I can see, for the first time, how people lose themselves. I can see how I could start something like this with good intentions and forget all of them the second he touches me like that again._

_He turns his head and I do, too. We stare at each other, smiling._

_I should probably ask him if he's going to tell Ben. I should probably tell Ben myself. But I decide we can have that conversation another day. Reality could ruin this._

_We walk down to the beach, supplies in hand. I find Rose sitting on her towel, which she set up next to mine. She seems to be in a better mood than earlier, but there's still a cloud in her expression. Despite my good mood I'm dreading seeing her. She'll have questions and I'm not sure I have answers that are going to make her happy._

_I hear Ben say "what the fuck" to Edward, somewhere behind us, but I don't turn. There's no anger in his voice. _

_I get situated on my towel while Rose watches. When I turn to her, she's looking at me weird._

"_What?" I ask, frowning. _

_She narrows her eyes and looks me over, but Ben walks up before she can speak. "Jas is totally fucked up," he says, nodding toward where Jasper is slumped in a chair, his hand wrapped up in an ace bandage._

_Rose sighs, and there's genuine concern there. "How much did he drink?"_

_Ben shakes his head and Rose gets up. He takes her place and I watch her walk over to Jasper and shake his shoulder hard. He lifts his head and she seems pacified. He lifts the bottle in his hand to his mouth and when she tries to take it, he swats her hand away._

_My brother isn't watching that, though. He's watching me. _

_I'm immediately afraid that he knows something but he smiles easily. "I'm glad you've been hanging out this summer," he says._

_I look down. He speaks so sincerely sometimes that it embarasses me._

"_Even though shit's been crazy, I'm happy you're here...or maybe especially because shit's crazy."_

_I smile. "Me, too."_

"_I'm fine, Rose. Jesus." Jasper's voice carries across the beach. She walks back toward us, taking a deep breath when she gets to the edge of my towel._

"_You want to take a walk?" she asks Ben, lightly. I recognize the suggestive tone in her voice and decide right then and there that I will never understand relationships. _

_Ben seems to recognize it as well. He's on his feet in seconds. He's got two joints in his hand. He tosses one to me and I retrieve it from where it falls on my towel. I pick it up and hold it between two fingers. I'm not even sure how to light it, but I'm excited to find out._

_He jogs to catch up with Rose and I put the joint in my purse for later. _

_I catch Edward's eye. He's standing with a group of jocks. Whatever they're talking about has most of them laughing, but he's just smiling at me. I smile back and lean back on my elbows, looking out at the water, the bright afternoon sun almost blinding it's so bright._

_Then I run through the last few hours in my head, over and over again, and I wish that I could walk up to him and ask if he wants to take a walk. I wish this could be that easy, but I'm sure it won't be. _

_I wonder if he is spending the night. Then I wonder how much restraint I'll have left at 2am, when I know he's in the next room, wearing boxers and not much else. _

_I turn and find him again in the crowd of jocks. He's talking to someone, running one hand over his newly-short hair, a beer in the other hand. This time when he catches me watching he doesn't smile, but the look on his face makes me squeeze my thighs together tightly. I turn back to the water, drawing in a shaky breath._

_The thought of him sneaking in my room makes my heart race even though I know if we got caught it would be horrible. Ben would be so mad and my parents would never trust me again._

_I still can't stop smiling. _

* * *

**_Thank you for reading!_**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hi! Thank you to ShearEnvy, bashfulfan, roglows and livie79. LOVE!**

* * *

The first thing I see when I open my eyes is Angela.

I forget everything. The last year. Ben. Edward. I smile for a split second before her eyes narrow and I realize where I am.

Bolting upright, I glance down at Edward, who is just starting to wake up. He reaches an arm overhead and opens his eyes, following my gaze to Angela and freezing mid-stretch.

"What are you doing here?" he asks her.

Her hands form fists and she hardly looks at him, her cold gaze focused on me.

"I came to get my stuff."

Edward stands, grabbing a cardboard box that's next to his nightstand. He walks over to her and holds it out, but she doesn't take it.

"How long did you wait to come over here after you heard we broke up? Twenty minutes? An hour?" she asks me.

I stand, glad to have the expanse of his king-sized bed between us. My hair must be a mess, but I don't move to fix it. "Are you seriously trying to act like you didn't do the exact same thing to me?"

She visibly bristles. "Oh, please, Bella. Just because you had some delusional crush on him doesn't mean that I, like, stole your boyfriend or something. He didn't even know you were obsessed with him. At least _I_ didn't tell him."

I glance at Edward, but he's looking at the floor. My cheeks are definitely red.

"What?" It's all I can articulate.

It hadn't occurred to me that she didn't know we hooked up.

I slowly realize that maybe it wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it was. I start to wonder if I've blown up what he and I had...what we did. We didn't take all of our clothes off. We didn't define anything between us. I start to question the quality of my memories.

Edward sets the box on his desk, rubbing his hands over his face. Angela stops glaring at me and turns to him.

"Wait...what is she talking about, Edward?"

There's defeat in his voice. "Bella and I hooked up. Not like..._hooked up_. But…fuck." I don't want to look at him right now, so I don't.

She blanches, frowning. I watch her work it out in her mind.

She and I stare at one another, so much unsaid that I'm not sure where to start. "I didn't know that," she says.

"But you knew how I felt...for years. You can call it a crush - or delusional- if it makes you feel better, but you can't pretend you didn't know."

I can feel Edward staring at me.

"So you just get to leave and assume that everything and everyone is just waiting for youjust_ in case_ you decided to come back?" she asks.

"No-"

"I suppose you think I deserve this, though, being such a slut and whore and a_ fake._" Having my words thrown back at me makes me flinch.

Edward steps forward and I'm surprised that he defends me on this point. "All that shit was right after the funeral. We were all out of our fucking minds, Ang."

The familiarity in that nickname makes me feel sick. She half rolls her eyes but I can tell her anger is subsiding. Mine grows.

"You fucking lied to me! About everything. And then you sat at the funeral and cried like…" I shake my head, "...like he was yours to cry over. Like you could even begin to understand what I felt like. Or what Rose felt like."

Her face falls and I recognize the pain there. I'm reminded of what Rose said to me yesterday and I can't help but feel a little bit of compassion.

"You could have told me the truth, Angela."

I wonder if she knows what he said about her before he died. I wonder if she still thinks about him every day like I do.

"I'm sorry," she says. Her words come out with more tears. My eyes stay dry, though.

I doubt things can truly be repaired between us.

When I pick up my purse from next to his bed Edward takes a step forward.

"I'll give you a ride," he says. "Just give me a second." He glances at Angela and it's clear to all three of us that she's an afterthought.

"I can't believe this," Angela says to no one.

He ignores her.

Angela's face is red, her jaw clenched as she watches him watch me. I have to get out of this room. I mumble as much and take a step toward the door. He laughs once, and his expression hardens. "You're just gonna walk out." He states it, waiting for me to challenge him...almost begging me to challenge him.

I don't.

I don't stop walking until I'm out of his house and off of his property.

Being in my old neighborhood makes me feel even more like I don't belong here, but I don't let myself dwell on that. My head is stuck back in Edward's room, running through that awful conversation. I'm not sure where anything stands now.

A woman on her morning run goes by, giving me a wide berth. I try to tame my hair into a bun. Luckily I have a stick of gum in my purse to counteract my morning breath.

I walk to the bridge and stop before I cross it. There's a heavy concrete walkway on either side, but I've never crossed this bridge on foot, only speeding over it in a car in thirty seconds or less.

Halfway across I stop and look out at the water. Maybe I'm supposed to find answers here, like this is some metaphorical turning point for me, but all I see is trees and rushing water and mostly it just reminds me how badly I have to pee. I keep walking.

Once I'm across, I stop at the gas station to use the bathroom and to call Alice from the payphone on the outside of the building. Traffic picks up and the temperature rises with the sun. Two men walking by look me up and down. I'm still in my funeral dress, which is now wrinkled. I'm sure they think I'm on a walk of shame.

I guess I kind of am.

Alice doesn't answer her phone and I'm just about to page her when Edward's shiny, black SUV speeds into the parking lot, pulling up a few feet from where I'm standing. He takes up two parking spots, something Ben once told me they do so no one can park too close and damage their paint jobs. I told him I thought that was inconsiderate. I still do.

He rolls down the passenger side window. "Get in the car."

I just stare at him until he leans closer. His green eyes are intense. "Get in the car, Bella."

I hang up the payphone receiver, which has started beeping at me.

He reaches over to grab the door handle, pushing it open. I still don't make a move to get in, though.

"It's too far to walk."

He's got a point. I'm wearing cute, uncomfortable wedges that are already giving me blisters. When I don't answer fast enough he leans back in his seat, pulling his hat down in frustration.

He grips the steering wheel hard for a second before he turns to me. Then he speaks calmly, leaning over the seat again, eyes on mine. "Get in the fucking car."

This time I do. I get in and he peels out of the parking lot as soon as I'm done buckling my seatbelt. He drives too fast but I don't say anything. In fact, we don't speak the entire way to my house, but the silence after he pulls up and kills the engine demands to be filled.

"Why didn't you tell her about us?"

"Bella." He rubs his hands over his face. "It's not like I realized you were gone and she and I hooked up. It wasn't like that. We didn't even start talking until after school started. And it didn't seem like it was any of her fucking business."

He takes a deep breath.

"I understand it...needing to deal with shit however you can. Just to get by. But Angela was right, we weren't all just frozen, waiting for you to come back. Shit changed. I changed. Fuck.._.you _changed."

I look away from him, out the window.

"I'm not sure I can handle going through this again, though."

I turn to him, confused and annoyed. "Handle what?"

"Watching you leave again."

"Edward, we haven't even-"

"Exactly," he says sharply, "and I'm already waiting for it."

I roll my eyes, but guilt is heavy on my chest.

"What would you have done if I didn't come find you today? Would you have called? Or just waited until I showed up on your doorstep again...or until I saw you from across the river a year from now?"

"I don't know," I say, quietly.

When he speaks again he doesn't sound angry anymore. He sounds tired and sad.

"Maybe it doesn't matter but...it's not like I loved her. She didn't feel that way about me either," he says. "It wasn't like with you, where it was all I thought about."

My chest aches.

"I just need some time," he says. "Because I don't know if I can trust you."

"Can you see how that situation was extremely uncomfortable for me?" I ask.

"Whatever. It's what you do...you run."

I pause and let that run through my head a few times before something ugly rises up inside of me.

"This is bullshit." I'm out of the car, slamming the door before he can react. He follows suit, but closes his door calmly. I storm around the car but he walks, his hands shoved in his pockets. I start yelling without regard to my neighbors or surroundings.

"Everyone wants to know how I can live with myself after_ abandoning_ all of you." I know I'm being dramatic, but I don't care. "And I don't mean to belittle your friendship, because I know how devastating that was, but he was my _brother_. He was a part of my life in a way that you can't understand, and you know what I was doing for that year? I was holding it together for my parents."

My eyes tear and I have to stop. When I speak again I try to keep my voice steady. "Because they lost enough. So I got up every morning and I went to school and tried to smile and pretend that all of this change was okay with me, even if most of it wasn't my choice. But it wasn't, Edward. I'm not okay."

His eyes travel over my face.

"So, I'm done apologizing for that. I'm just done. It was what I needed at the time and I'm sorry that it screwed everything up between us and drove you to Angela but I can't take that back. I have to live with that, too."

I hear the screen door open. My mom walks to the top of the stairs and stops. The look on her face lets me know that she heard everything.

I look up at Edward and speak quietly. "I want this. I want _you_."

He stares down at me, and even though yesterday was raw and emotional, this is the most naked expression I've ever seen him wear.

"And I'm going to run away from you sometimes and do stupid shit like try to walk ten miles home in shoes that are fucking killing me, but...I'm willing to try. Even if I fuck it up, or you fuck it up, I'm willing to try."

I leave him there, standing in the street and walk into my mom's open arms. She starts to lead me inside and I glance back once to where he's watching us. There's sadness there, but underneath that, in his square shoulders and his set jaw, there's something strong and sure that I still don't feel yet.

No matter what happens with us, I know he'll be okay.

* * *

I pour my heart out to Alice at our favorite diner over coffee. She sits with her legs criss-cross applesauce in the booth, stirring the plastic stick in her mug while I talk.

After I've fully dissected every word Edward said to me yesterday she looks down into her cup, biting her lip. "Can I say something without you getting mad?"

I smile. "Of course."

"Sometimes...and it's not that I don't get it, but sometimes, you talk about your life here like it's a step down. It makes me feel kind of shitty."

I've spent too much time talking about my losses. Too much time feeling like this is the consolation to my old life. I catch her herbal scent in the air between us and it feels like home. "The only thing I would go back for is Ben."

She raises an eyebrow.

"Maybe Edward."

She laughs and I really look at her, taking in her delicate features and the way she's effortlessly comfortable in her own skin. There's no pretense with Alice. She just _is_.

"I wouldn't have made it through this year without you and Emmett. I'm sorry if I don't say that enough. I really do love you."

Smiling, she sits back in the booth. "I love you, too."

I smile back at her.

"So, you really put yourself out there."

I shrug, but she's right. "And now it's been a day and I haven't heard from him."

My stomach has been in knots since our conversation. Last night I couldn't sleep.

"All that stuff he said, about how he doesn't know if he can trust me now...maybe he can't." I frown.

"Maybe he just needs time."

He did say that. Of course, I flipped out right after that, but it would be extremely hypocritical of me to deny someone time to work through something.

"I guess we'll see." I look at the empty coffee cup sitting to Alice's left. "I thought Em was meeting us."

"He had to work. But, oh my god," she says, rolling her eyes. "He's dead set on having a party Friday. His parents are out of town."

I give her a look and she nods. " I told him it was a bad idea." Last time Emmett had a party, half of our class got minor consumption tickets and the three of us spent the majority of the next day cleaning his house. "But since he's not going to listen to me anyway...maybe you could invite some of your friends from the east side."

She's hiding a smile. Narrowing my eyes, I lean closer. "Friends like..._Jasper_?"

She just smiles at me, her teeth white against her tanned skin. "What? He's cute. I mean, there's a distinct possibility that he's a sociopath but for some reason that kind of works for me."

I laugh, but I run through the last few times I've seen him. "He's kind of fucked up, Al. Like, for real fucked up. Coke. Bimbos. He's an 80's movie villain."

It's her turn to laugh. "I don't want to marry him, Bella. I just think he's an interesting person to know."

"Alright, I'll invite them." My mind is stuck on the last few days, though.

"How was yesterday?" she asks, gently.

I smile. "It was okay." I tell her about the golf balls and the roof.

"Can I ask you a question about Ben?" Alice rarely asks me questions about my brother, so I nod.

"What was he like?" she asks, and I realize, again, that I've been pretty closed off about most of this.

"Oh, god. He was funny…he smiled all the time. You would have liked him. He would have liked you, too." When I look up she smiles. "The day he died he had Edward look out for me because he thought I was bored and he was busy fighting with Rose...wait, let me back up. So a few weeks before that…"

Sitting back so the waitress can pour more coffee into our cups, I start at the beginning.

* * *

**Please know that even though there are a few weeks between updates that I'm still writing! Thank you for reading!**


	10. Chapter 10

**I write slow. But, I write. Some days that's enough. This chapter may be tough for some people to read. I guess that's the disclaimer. :) I haven't been keeping up on reading reviews lately, and I haven't been on twitter, so it's possible that people hate this and by extension, me, but regardless I'm pressing on. **

**Thank you to ShearEnvy, bashfulfan, roglows and livie79 for all the love and support and for harassing me juuuust enough. I love you all. **

* * *

"_Seriously?" she yells, rubbing the spot with her palm after she turns. _

_Edward pulls his hat down but I can tell that he's laughing. _

"_Sorry!" I yell back. She throws it back, with aim that is far better than mine and I catch it easily. We've been playing for a while now and my arm hurts and I'm hot. Edward claps his hands and holds them out, ready for the next throw. _

"_I suck!" I yell to him. _

"_You do," Jasper says from behind me. He grabs the frisbee out of my hand. His throw is practiced, and I'm amazed that he seems steady on his feet again, even though an hour ago he looked like he was about to pass out. He holds a red plastic cup in the hand with the ace bandage, and I wonder if it's all for show._

_Despite the fact that Ben screwed up, I'm annoyed at how he talked to me the other day. I decide to grow a pair and say something._

"_You know, you were a real jerk the other day."_

_Edward throws the frisbee back to Jasper, his eyes narrowed as he watches the two of us from across the beach._

"_You're going to need to be more specific," Jasper says. He's not kidding._

"_You, like, threatened me."_

_He turns and for a second he seems drunk, swaying slightly on his feet as he throws again. "That's ridiculous."_

_It occurs to me then that he really may not remember and it makes me wish I hadn't said anything. He grabs my arm as I start to walk away. Out of the corner of my eye I see Edward pause, poised to throw the frisbee. There's liquor on Jasper's breath and his grip is a little stronger than he probably intends, but I don't flinch. _

"_I'm sorry," he says.."You don't have to answer for your brother. I know I would never ask Rose to answer for my shitty behavior."_

_So he does remember. _

_He lets go as Edward walks up behind him. Edward looks at my arm and then at Jasper._

"_Apology accepted," I say. Edward's eyebrows go up and I give him a slight smile that lets him know everything's okay._

_I walk back to where I've been sitting. A crowd had formed when I wasn't looking._

"_You want to smoke this?" Mike holds out a bowl and I shake my head. _

_I'm high already- on kissing and touching and Edward's close proximity. I'm high on our secret and even though he's across the beach I can feel his draw. Every few minutes we lock eyes and I smile but I'm trying to be nonchalant. If it's not working, no one seems to notice._

_When I get up to walk to the edge of the river, he ditches Jasper and follows me, beer dangling easily from his fingers and his shirt discarded somewhere. I let the water run over my toes, still cold despite the hot weather. The river is always that way._

_He mimics what I'm doing and we both look down, tan toes in the sand. _

"_Look at your little feet," he says, half a smile on his face._

_I roll my eyes but I'm grinning._

"_So...what are you doing tonight?" I ask, squinting against the sun when I look up at him. I bite my lip and it's a cheap move but he holds his breath for a second so I know it worked._

"_Eating whatever your mom makes for dinner and playing MarioKart?"_

"_Then what?" I ask. _

_His smile changes. It's hiding but it's still there, in his eyes. _

"_Just say what's on your mind, Swan."_

_I can't. I look down, digging my toes in the sand. When I look back up he's waiting, an amused look on his face._

"_Do you think you'll spend the night?"_

_He takes a minute to respond. "I don't know. Why?"_

_By now I can tell that he knows what I'm asking and is just messing with me. "No reason," I say, lightly._

"_You're a bad liar."_

"_You're a tease," I shoot back. His jaw drops._

"_Oh, _I'm_ a tease?" he asks. He brings his hand up to tug on the tie to my bikini top. He raises his eyebrows._

"_This old thing?" I look down, shrugging. _

_He laughs, shaking his head. His eyes are shaded by the brim of his hat. "If I sneak into your room tonight I can't be responsible for what will happen."_

_I have to look away because the expression on my face is going to reveal too much, because for the first time in my life the idea of doing what he's alluding to doesn't sound scary and awkward. If I could push him down in the sand and do it right this second I would._

"_Maybe that's not a bad thing."_

_He exhales heavily and looks out at the water. One hand pulls his hat down. "There's nothing wrong with going slow." He sounds like he's trying to convince himself, more than he had to the first time we had this conversation._

"_Are you afraid of what Ben will think?" I ask._

_He shrugs, but after a few seconds he nods and takes a swig off of his beer. "Yeah."_

_I stare at the water. "Me, too," I admit. It's unlikely that he'll make a big deal out of it, but I really do care about his opinion._

_I hear my brother's laugh before I see him. He and Rose are hand-in-hand and both of them are a little flushed. A little too happy. Edward follows my gaze and laughs when I say "gross."_

_Our eyes meet for a second and for a second he's serious. He's about to say something, but he turns to them instead, bringing his beer up to his lips._

"_I should probably take him home," Rose is saying, looking over her shoulder at where Jasper is back in the same chair. There's a girl sitting on his lap but he seems almost unaware of her as he talks to the guy sitting next to him._

"_You should check him into rehab," I say, regretting the words as soon as they're out of my mouth. _

_Edward saves me from having to backtrack. "Any one of us could probably use rehab." He and Ben clink their beer cans together and it's probably true and it's definitely messed up. I don't miss the way Edward looks at the ground after that, and it reminds me about his mom. I wish I could grab his hand, or even just stand closer to him, but I stay where I am. _

_Rose rolls her eyes at them and turns to me. "Want to lay out?"_

_I don't but there's something on her face that tells me I don't have a choice. Ben grabs at her hip but she's back to being cold. She slips out of his grip and walks away, glancing back to make sure I'm following. I glance back at the boys. Edward puts his arm around Ben's neck and they walk back toward the fire pit, purposefully avoiding Jasper, or that's what it looks like to me. _

_Rose and I shake the sand off of our towels and lay them out again. Rose lays on her stomach, her head propped on her crossed arms so she can look at me. _

_She stares long enough that I get uncomfortable. _

"_What?" I ask, brushing my fingers over my mouth. "Do I have something on my face?"_

"_No." Her expression doesn't change, though. "You didn't know, did you?"_

_I blink. "About Ben and…" I don't say her name. "No. I didn't know until after you did."_

_She nods, chewing on her bottom lip before she turns her face up to the sky. "So, you guys won't be friends anymore, right?"_

_I gaze upward, mimicking her position. That hadn't occurred to me. My hesitation is enough to make Rose sit up on her elbows. _

"_You can't be serious."_

"_We've been friends since...always."_

"_So what? She's a lying skeeze."_

_I want to shrug but I'm afraid she'll think I'm being dismissive, so I don't. I don't disagree, though. _

_She stares at me intensely for a long moment before she visibly forces herself to take a deep breath. She looks down. "I don't want to end up like my mother."_

_Rose and Jasper's mother is beautiful. She's also the frostiest woman I've ever met. After what Ben told me by the pool the other day, I can understand her a little bit more now. _

"_She caught my dad in a Bill Clinton situation a few months ago." She glances at me. " Not the weird cigar thing. Just the...other stuff. And that's just what I know about. I'm sure he's done worse."_

_I cringe at the mental image. She says the words without passion, like she's run through the scenario so many times that it doesn't sting anymore.  
_

"_She didn't speak to him for a month. But she didn't leave him either."_

"_Did you want her to?"_

_She shrugs. "I just wanted a reaction, I guess. Any kind of reaction. Maybe my dad did, too."_

_Rose takes after her father in personality. He's charismatic. He lights up a room. I don't really know what he's like behind closed doors, though. If I've learned one thing it's that most people aren't exactly as they seem. _

"_I love Ben," she says. "But I don't want to turn into this resentful, bitter person, and I can already feel it happening. I don't know if I can forgive him. Someone told me I should sleep with someone else. Like we would be even then."_

"_Was that someone...Jasper?"_

_She laughs, but it fades off quickly. "No. If he had his way, Ben would be castrated or something. He might be projecting my parent's situation onto mine a little bit, if you can't tell."_

_I nod. I guess I can't even imagine what that must feel like, so I decide not to judge Jasper too harshly. _

"_No matter what, I hope you and I can stay friends," Rose says, running her fingers along the red and white stripes on her towel._

"_That sounds kind of final, Rose," I say._

_She shrugs and smiles. "Who knows what will happen? I mean, we're in high school. We have our whole lives ahead of us, you know?"_

_It sounds like she's repeating something my mom would say to me. It makes me smile._

_I look around for Edward and Ben. Ben catches my eye and nods for me to come over. _

"_I'll be right back," I tell her. She nods and lays back on her towel. _

"_Let's smoke that joint," Ben says, as I walk up. I roll my eyes. Typical. I pull it out of my bikini top and hand it to him, though. Edward stands a little further away from me than he was earlier, but he smiles when our eyes meet. "What were you guys talking about?" Ben asks before he puts the joint between his lips and lights it. _

"_Guess," I say._

_He exhales heavily, the smoke almost blue it's so dense. _

"_Do you think she'll forgive me?" he asks, and I think he's serious._

_I don't have the answer he wants, so I don't answer at all._

_He hits the joint again before passing it to Edward. He stares at Rose, across the beach, laid out on her towel. Before we can say anything else he walks over and sits next to her. Edward tries to pass me the joint but I'm not in the mood. _

"_Hey," he says, ducking so he can look at my face._

_I sigh. "Why do good things and bad things have to happen all at the same time? Like, my whole life nothing happens and now it's like the best and the worst all at once."_

_He's looking at me weird when I look up at him, but he covers it up with a smile. "What's the best thing that happened?" he asks. _

_I roll my eyes. "Whatever."_

"_No, really. Tell me."_

_There's no one around to hear us talking but I check anyway. _

"_You. On my bed. In the car. Just...you."_

_He smiles widely but I can see tension in his jaw. He takes a deep breath and runs a palm up over his chest and stomach, like he's trying to maintain composure. _

"_You…" he shakes his head and my cheeks go red._

"_What?" I ask, hating that I sound like I care. I'm way, way past acting aloof here, though._

"_You kill me. With like, one sentence you've got me all…"_

_He doesn't need to say it. I do, though._

"_Horny?"_

_He looks away, laughing. I laugh, too._

_We both see Ben walking towards us at the same time. He looks upset._

"_Can we take a walk?" Ben asks Edward. Edward's smile falls and he nods. _

"_Are you okay?" I ask him, hating the way his shoulders are hunched over. He looks like he's carrying the world today._

"_Yeah. I'm okay."_

_Something in the way he says it makes me think, for the first time, that he's keeping something from me. He glances at Edward and that feeling is reinforced. When Ben sees my face he throws his arm around my neck and rubs his knuckles on my head, though._

"_You suck," I say, trying to squirm away. _

"_Did she tell you she likes some guy? She won't tell me who, little shit."_

_When he releases me the tension is gone from his face and his smile is genuine. _

"_We'll be back. I want to go up to the cliffs."_

_I kind of want to go along but I glance back at Rose and know I won't. Plucking the roach out of Edward's hands, I grin as I back away from them. Ben calls me a thief but Edward just smiles back at me. My stomach does flips._

"_Be safe, kid," Ben says, both of them turning before I can respond. I stop and watch them walk toward the woods. Edward glances back once, but they're too far away by then for me to see his expression._

_I walk back to Rose._

_When I sit, she's laying down with her eyes closed. Before I can even ask her about what she and Ben talked about she stops me._

"_Let's talk about something else other than my tragic love life. Anything else," she says, her voice flat._

_I bring up the swimsuit Lauren Mallory is wearing today and she sits up. "Right?" We talk about that until it gets boring then she lays down again. The frown returns to her face._

_There's a splash downriver, around the corner by the cliffs. It sounds like summer._

_I look down, picking up a handful of sand and letting it sift slowly through my fingers. I shouldn't say what I'm about to say, but I'll do just about anything to distract her from how awful she must feel right now._

"_I like someone," I say, with a completely contrived casual tone in my voice._

_Her head snaps toward me and I'm relieved that the melancholy look is gone from her face, even if it's temporary. _

"_Who?"_

_I bite my lip, hard, because his name is on the tip of my tongue. His name is on the tip of my everything right now. I grin widely._

"_Tell me, you little brat!" she says, swatting at my arm._

_I'm about to say it when I hear Edward yell Ben's name. Rose and I both turn to look toward the sound._

_She frowns, but I'm ready to tell her my news, even though I'll have to swear her to secrecy until we tell Ben. _

"_So, it's not, like, a big deal but-"_

_Edward runs down the path, toward the river. He throws his sunglasses on the ground and runs into the water. _

"_Ben!"_

_My whole body goes still at the panic in his voice. Rose starts to run toward where Edward is swimming, diving under the water and coming back up. He screams his name again and I finally react, connecting the name, the person and the splash with the way Edward is searching the river._

_He's searching the water._

_The splash._

_He yells my brother's name again. _

_I'm on my feet._

"_Someone call 911," I say. When no one reacts I scream it and I see Mike Newton run up toward the cars._

_More guys jump in the water and I try to follow but strong arms hold me back. Everyone's at the edge of the river, a frantic line of bodies that grows quiet as the minutes pass. Mike runs back to tell me he called 911 from his car phone. I don't respond. I scan the bank across the river, because he would do that. He would hide and freak everyone out as a joke._

_It's a joke._

_The fire department, cops and ambulance get there fast but I'm counting seconds and it's been too long._

_I count to one hundred. Then one hundred and fifty. Then I stop. I wait. I wait patiently to yell at Ben because he is going to be in so much trouble for this. _

_Rose is crying, but I'm not. They pushed everyone back except us. I heard someone tell them that I'm his sister, and I grabbed Rose's hand before they could take her away._

_A fireman starts to lead Edward out of the water, his arm around him, pushing him toward the shore. His feet seem heavy like he doesn't want to get out. _

_Rose sobs, her mouth open. The sound echoes across the water and bounces off the rock face on the opposite beach. _

_When Edward sees me his face breaks and he tries to pull me to his chest but I'm looking past him, at the river and the way they're moving in lines, everyone connected by rope, yelling instructions that I don't understand._

"_Where is he?" I ask Edward. He looks down at me, his eyes red from river water and tears._

_It's then that I start to cry, so hard that I can't breathe. I gasp for air, pulling at my chest. I'm still watching the water, though. I'm still waiting for him to walk out, smiling, playing the meanest prank he's ever played. He'll see how scared I am. He'll see how angry I am and he'll be sorry._

_I try to tell Edward that my mom is going to be so mad but the words don't come out right, my teeth chattering and the words heavy in my mouth. I pull at his arms to try to make him understand._

_There's no hope in his expression. I stop talking. _

_Another ambulance drives down the service road and pulls up with its lights on, siren silent. _

_Edward picks me up, tears on his bare chest as he carries me away with my eyes closed, past people who hush as we pass. For a second I wonder where we're going but then I realize that it doesn't matter._

_Nothing matters._

* * *

**_See you all soon. xoxo_**


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